Return of the Recapper: Alamo Bowl Edition

The Pac 10 Bowl Season started last night, and by started I mean the game began, they ran plays, then the game ended.  As far as how Arizona did in the Alamo Bowl , the best thing you could say about them is that they did not kill anyone (as far as I know...there were parts of the game I missed).

The Alamo Bowl is the newest bowl in the Pac 10's crown (and yes, I realize that metaphor is very strained).  After the Rose Bowl, the Alamo Bowl is the next big one, supplanting the Holiday as the number two bowl.  But since a certain team from Oregon is going to the National Championship (altogether now:  Woooooooooooooo!), and Stanford is going to the Rose Bowl, third place Arizona got to go to San Antonio.

However, losers of four straight games, and coached by Mike "I'm not high strung, who called me high strung, god dammit, who would SAY THAT?!?!" Stoops, there was little chance 7-5 Arizona would play well against Oklahoma State (10-2 and almost winners of the Big 12).

And...they didn't.  It was kind of a rout, even though the ESPN announcers kept talking about how great Arizona was playing and how they didn't roll over.  Hard-fighters or not, the Wildcats still got smoked 36-10.  It was an inauspicious beginning to a relatively small bowl season for the Pac 10, and things won't get any better tonight with the Holiday Bowl, a rematch of the ass-whupping that Nebraska put on Washington.

One more quick aside.  I saw a fan in the stands holding up a sign that referenced "Pokes Nation."  Pokes, I believe, would be a nickname for the Oklahoma State Cowboys (cow poke being a reference to cowboys that branded cattle and not a reference to what happened to the cows when the cowboys got lonely on the trail).  Anyway, I digress.  My real point here is that this whole "Nation" thing MUST stop.  First, fans of a team are NOT a nation.  In no way are fans of, say, Nebraska's football team, holders of the sovereignty which shapes the fundamental norms governing the functioning of the state.  And Pokes Nation does not have anything meaningful to say about the suffrage of its people (unless you consider "Yee Haw!" meaningful (note:  no one outside of Oklahoma considers "Yee Haw!" meaningful.)).  And Beaver Nation does not include members of a cultural nation who are aware of constituting an ethical-political body together, which is differentiated from others by the members sharing a number of defining cultural features (features which include language, religion, tradition, or shared history).  So, stop it.  Just stop.  The first person to say that Oregon is Ducks Nation will be hit in the head with a blunt object by me.  And the rest of the teams out there that think it's fun to call yourselves a Nation:  no, it's not fun.  It's stupid.  Stop it.

Barfy Holidays to All

So my mom lives in Salem and a few days ago, we loaded up the family truckster with the dog, two kids, pillows, clothes, a few presents, etc. and made the traffic-laden trip south down I-5 (as an aside, why do people suck at driving?  And why are they always in front of me, driving exactly the speed limit in the fast lane?  And why don't they respond to my wailing on my horn and flashing my lights at them?  You'd think they'd take the hint...jerks.).

Things at Nana's were going swimmingly.  Hanging with the family, the kids barely able to keep their hands off the presents under the small fake Christmas tree, even finding a tall boy Bud Light in the back of the fridge.  The family decided to go to a nice little Italian eatery (whose name, based on what is to come, I will not mention here, for fear of ruining their business.  Let's just say it rhymes with Bolive Farden.).  Both of my kids had the delightful Italian delicacy macaroni noodles with a light cheese-based sauce (new household rule:  my kids can NEVER order the same thing for dinner again).

The twins rolled out of bed at 6:00 am the next morning (which was awesome, by the way, because I was not at all tired) excited to open presents.  And then...well, then it was a Barfocalypse.  Apparently the cheese-based sauce from the night before may not have been the freshest.

Full disclosure:  I'm not fond of vomit...coming from me, from others, laying about, plastic versions, vomit coming from humans, from animals, heck, once I found out that flies vomit on food to digest it, I developed a nearly pathological fear of flies landing on me (microscopic vomit!  ack!).

So thumbs down on vomit.  But boy howdy, did my kids yak...a LOT.  Often.  Sometimes at the same time.  And I'm not all the great with multi-tasking, so having one kid barfing in a toilet and another kid barfing in a bucket really stretched my abilities.  And THEN, I started getting calls from work (on my vacation day!  The nerve of other people doing work while I'm on vacation).  So barfing kids, a puppy opening everyone's presents with his teeth, my phone ringing, and a partridge in a pear tree....

Ugh.

We limped home, my boy throwing up in a bucket in the backseat (and then telling us that he was in the lead because he had thrown up more times than his sister) and spent the rest of the evening trying to keep things from flying out of my kids' mouths.

Which proves two things:  kids are gross.  And try not to get too hung up in your plans, since a little bit of barf can derail the whole thing (and a lot of barf can, well, be disgusting).

Happy Holidays everyone.  Please keep the traditional Holiday Barf Buckets close by.

Happy Holidays

I love the holidays (aside from standing in line for Santa...that sucks it hard.  Everyone wants to get a picture with the mall Santa, propping up their squalling little life form on his lap, making faces and squeaking toys all in the hopes that the kid will stop screaming for a second and a half so they can get the perfect Christmas present, and guess what...doesn't work.  Welcome to Baby's First Screamin' Christmas.  Me, I just want my kids to jump up on Santa's lap, tell him what they want, hop down, say thank you and get their candy canes.  45 minutes in line for three minutes...that does NOT fill me with Christmas spirit).

Anyway, I really do love the holidays.  I'm unabashedly fond of every bit about it:  hunting for parking spaces, 103.3 playing 24 hours of Christmas music from Thanksgiving through Christmas, pushing over old people to get to the last awesomest gift in the perfect color, my kids overwhelming excitement growing more and more overwhelming every day, nasty weather, 17 straight days off from work, decorations on the houses, watching meaningless bowl games on tv (and seeing snow on HD...LOVE that).  That's just the start of the list.

I love buying presents and giving presents.  I love being with my family.  I love my friends; for those that don't know me, I'm not especially close with my sister, and both my parents live far enough away that they don't make it out to my house very much, but I have a group of friends that I've known for almost 30 years, and every one of them is like family.  So this holiday season I get to spend time with them, celebrating at our annual Christmas party, hang out on New Year's, and that is easily one of the best parts of the holidays.

Not exactly hilarious, I know, but Christmas makes me happy and a little overly sentimental.  So to all of you that stop by and read, and the 12 kick ass fans I have, I wish you and your family the very best Holiday season.

Pac 10 Recap, Final Week 2010

Excuse this minor indulgence for me, if you would:  Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
(stop to give my right ring finger a rest, and….)
Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Thank you.  I feel much better now.

Onward

There are a few things I never thought I would experience in my lifetime:  visiting my grandkids on Moon Base Alpha 1, skydiving off the Eiffel Tower (mostly because I’m afraid of a) skydiving and b) France), and winning a Best Actor Oscar (because I couldn’t act hurt if someone punched me in the face).  Also on that list was seeing the Oregon Ducks football team play in the National Championship game.  But Saturday, Oregon beat arch-rival Oregon State in the 114th Civil War, 37-20.  It was easily the most stressful game I’ve ever sat through, even though I felt confident going in, even after the Ducks started to pull away in the second half.  But when it was all over, the Ducks and their fans ran on the field and celebrated their chance to complete for the National Championship (it should be noted that the Beavers actually gave permission to the Ducks, their team and their fans to celebrate on the field, an incredibly classy move).  I celebrated at home by jumping up and down, saying woo, getting bit by my dog for jumping up and down, high fiving my kids and a few close friends, and then taking a nap (I'm old!).  A few days later and it still hasn’t really sunk in:  seeing the bottom line scroll by on ESPN with the words Auburn v. Oregon, Jan. 10 National Championship is as mind-blowing as the Pink Floyd laser light show, without the accompanying distinctive smell.  I could go on and on about this, but I'll stop now because there's a line of OSU fans at my cubicle that want to punch me in the face for being overly gloaty.

Also, there were other games.  For example, Washington State, looking to build on the momentum of their 1 Pac 10 win, hoped to beat rival Washington in the Apple Cup.  And they didn’t.  The Huskies got bowl eligible by beating the Cougs, 35-28.  Washington running back Chris Polk ran for 284 (!) yards in an up and down, back and forth game.  And unlike the classy ending to the Civil War, the Apple Cup ended up with the Huskies jumping up and down on the WSU logo and the Coug fans throwing water bottles and snow balls.  So like most everything else, the state of Oregon is better than the state of Washington at finishing rivalry games.  In your face, state of Washington.

Also there was the continuation of the oldest continuous rivalry, the Territorial Cup played by ASU and Arizona.  Arizona, which at one point was looking like a legitimate contender for Pac 10 supremacy, talking about how they could win the title if this happened and that happened, entered this game on a three game losing streak.  Their coach, Mike "Mad Man" Stoops probably spent all day every day yelling at stuff:  cars in front of him for going slow, his cats for walking too loudly while he was trying to nap, the wind for blowing his hair around, air for being so necessary to breathe.  He's a little tightly wound.  And like their coach, the team tightened up as the season went along, culminating in the Wildcats' double overtime loss to ASU 30-29 (Territorial Cup Fever...catch it!).  Two, that's right, two blocked extra points was the difference.  After the second one, Mad Man Stoops ran on to the field, went into convulsions, frothed at the mouth, both eyes popped out, his hair exploded and then he ate the kicker.  Not a pretty sight.

Big cheaters USC wound down their Season of Irrelevance (probably won't be the title of the season's video montage, but if it is, I want money for that, dammit).  USC beat cross-town rival UCLA in the We're too Cool to Name Our Rivalry Cup (WTCTNORC, for short (suddenly I'm a marketing genius!)) 28-14.  Afterward, Coach Lane Kiffin, always the optimist, said "We would have gone to the Holiday Bowl.  That would have been pretty neat."  Yes, it would have been neat.  Maybe they can play a pretend Holiday Bowl (oh, sorry, a pretend Bridgeport Education Holiday Bowl) and the Trojans can win that and have a pretend trophy.  That would also be neat.  Not neat was UCLA's season.  May I be so bold as to say, ugh.  What the hell happened to UCLA?  Once a tradition rich program, they're left with this scintillating quote from their coach, talking about bringing back the glory years:  "I've got to look hard at how we're going to turn the corner.  Those are hard decisions, and that's hard analysis, but it's absolutely mandatory that we come up with positive conclusions that will make those great Bruin fans keep coming back excited."  I don't know about you, but I'm already pumped up for UCLA football next year.

Recapper’s Final Pac 10 Power Rankings 

1.        Oregon – 12-0.  National Championship game.  What a season
2.        Stanford – 11-1.  Orange Bowl bound.  A great team this year
3.        Arizona – 7-5, lost four straight to finish the season, going to the Valero Alamo Bowl
4.        Washington – 6-6, on a bit of a winning streak, going to Bridgeport Education Holiday Bowl (seriously that’s the name)
5.        USC – 8-5, going to no bowls, because they’re big cheaters
6.        ASU – 6-6, but not going to bowl because two of their wins were against D2 schools
7.        OSU – 5-7, no bowl, up and down season
8.        Cal – 5-7, see OSU
9.        UCLA – 4-8, could easily be dead last in the final standings
10.        WSU – 2-10, just didn’t really improve since last year.  Coach possibly on the outs

Ass Handers 

This week, OSU gets the award, only because they lost by more points than anyone else that played in the Pac 10 this week.  

This year's winner of the Ass Handers of the Year Award was a tough call.  I looked at the bottom two teams and did some honest to goodness research.  For example, WSU's average margin of losing in their 10 losses was 39-18.  UCLA's was 37-14.  So kind of even.  Washington State finished 42nd overall in passing, but 117th (out of 120 teams) in rushing, 106th in points for and 110th in points against.  That's not good.  UCLA managed 116th in passing, a robust 34th in rushing, 104th in points for and 85th in points against.  Also not good.  But then, I was thinking, well, WSU was more competitive than they have been in past years.  Until I looked at the scores:  65-17 loss to Oklahoma State, 42-0 to ASU, 50-16 to USC.  Other than the 60-13 loss to Oregon, UCLA didn't have as many bad losses.  So as much as I'd like to give it to someone else, this year's AHotY goes, again, to the WSU Cougars, in a squeaker.

****

Well, that's it for me and the recaps this year.  Hope you liked 'em.  God willing, I'll be back next year with more fun and pith.  Until then, some words to live by:  "So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains.  And we never even know we have the key." So true, The Eagles.  So true.

Civil War Eve

It's the eve of the 114th (I think) Civil War here in Oregon, the annual football game against Oregon and Oregon State.  This year, as most of you should know, Oregon is playing for a spot in the National Championship game.  Also this year, Oregon State is playing for a chance to ruin Oregon's chances.  And to go to a miserable bowl game.

Coach Mike Riley, of the OSU Beavers, said that if OSU wins this game, it'll be the biggest win in OSU history.

Really?

Between the two schools, there's always been this concept of the "big brother" and the "little brother."  Oregon is the big brother with the flashy uniforms and the ridiculous facilities and the giant booster (Uncle Phil).  They have all the money and none of the class, people say.  The Beavers are the little brother, often over-looked despite their abilities, with a genuinely nice guy coach and an aura of doing things the "right way."  They wouldn't take a big booster like Uncle Phil, cause they are such a boot-strappy team (an idea that is absolutely ludicrous, but I'll let it go for now).

I think that idea is bullshit.  I don't think of OSU as the little brother at all.  Or at least, I didn't, until Coach Riley busted out the "biggest win ever" quote.  Because honestly, if there's anything more "little brother" than playing to ruin your rival's season, and then claiming it's the team's biggest win, I don't know what it is.

People will point to Oregon's win over OSU in Corvallis a few years ago that kept OSU from the Rose Bowl and say "well, all the Ducks cared about was ruining the Beavs' season."  And that might be true, but that wasn't Oregon's biggest win ever.  Oregon was having a down year, but went into their arch-rival's stadium and beat the snot out of them.  And then went to some crappy bowl.  It was nice to beat the Beavers, and felt good keeping them out of the Rose Bowl, but that win wasn't even close to as big as the win over, say Washington with "The Pick."  Or some of the wins in '95 when the Ducks went to the Rose Bowl.  Or beating the snot out of USC last season on Halloween.  Hell, I'm not even sure that win over OSU ranks in the top ten.

But for OSU, who claims not to be the little brother, beating Oregon and keeping them out of the National Championship, THAT'S their biggest win?  Isn't the very definition of little brother measuring your life against what the big brother does, and being jealous, and wanting to beat him?

I was shocked to hear Riley say that.  It diminishes what the Beavers have done, it diminishes their Fiesta Bowl year, and the "Giant Killer" team.  It makes them seem small and petty.  Yeah, winning against Oregon will be sweet for them, but the team is still 6-6 and going to a bad bowl game.  That should make Beaver fans pissed, not elated.  Not treating the game as the Biggest Win Ever.  It should be a stepping stone to better things.  Not the bench-mark for all victories ever.

Small and petty are words most people would associate with little brothers.

Pac 10 Recap, week 13, 2010

For Thanksgiving this year, I was in the Columbia River Gorge, and for those of you that are not from Oregon, basically the Gorge is the worst weather area in all of the state.  This year, the weather was fine everywhere but where I was.  Where I was, there was sleet, freezing rain, a bit of snow, a few UFO landings, the earth opened up and consumed some sinners, etc. etc.  So I was all set to go to the big game against Arizona, but unfortunately, the weather did not agree and I was stuck.  On the upside, my in-laws finally got the cable and I was able to watch the game.  Which is way better than a few years ago when I had to act out a Duck game with household items.  That year, fortunately, even though squeaky newspaper roll dog toy rushed for 150 yards, the throw pillow offensive line made a big late game stop, and the salami appetizer threw a last second TD pass to win the game.  It was one of the greatest Duck wins in history.  And yes, I am a total sad loser, why do you ask?

Onward

As I said, I wasn’t able to make it to the game in Eugene this weekend, which initially disappointed me, but at some point in the second half, as my father in law made me my second scotch old-fashioned, and I was in my slippers, dry and warm (inside and out), I realized it wasn’t all bad.  Especially after the second half started.  At kickoff of the second half, the Ducks were down 19-14.  A minute and a half later, Ducks were up 1.  Then, in a flurry to finish the third quarter and start the fourth, the Ducks scored 28 and the rout was on.  The Ducks beat Arizona 48-29 and now one game stands between Oregon and a chance at the National Championship.  And it’s the Civil War.  Have I mentioned, ugh?  Ugh.

On the other hand, OSU.  What the hell?   You would say they quit, but they never even showed up.  Coach Mike Riley said the Beavers were done when Stanford converted their first third down play...which was THREE PLAYS INTO THE GAME!  The score was still 0-0!  Maybe the Beavs were looking past Stanford to the upcoming Biggest Civil War Game Ever, but usually when one team looks past another, they suffer a tough loss.  This wasn't a tough loss, this was a massacre.  Beavs got lambasted by Stanford 38-0 and it was more embarrassing than that.  On more than one occasion, I honestly looked away because I felt bad for the Beavers.  Fumbles, interceptions, bad play calling, blown defensive assignments.  Aside from rolling onto their backs and exposing their necks, they did everything else to show they didn't belong on the field.  And I am rough on the team because, the last half decade or so (at least), the Beavers have shown they are a resilient, boot straps kind of team (as clichey as that is).  But this game, they would have done better to not even physically show up.  I don't know what it says about the Civil War, but Beaver fans should be pissed.

Not as pissed as UCLA fans, though.  Holy crap.  I believe we're in Year Three of the Neuheisel era and you hear things like "trying to find their identity" and "looking for consistency on offense" and "oh my god, we suck so bad" and you wonder when this whole UCLA is Back! thing is actually going to happen.  It certainly wasn't this year, as generally, UCLA was train wrecky.  They had their moments, like beating Texas, but then everyone beat Texas and that moment kind of went away.  Instead, they were left with the carnage of losing 55-34 to ASU, after being up 17-0 and knocking out ASU's starting QB.  But back-up ASU QB Brock Osweiler (bringing the number of back up QBs in the Pac 10 named Brock to a nation-leading two) came in and threw for 380 (!) yards and four touchdowns (!).  So...UCLA...no bowl, rebuilding (again), with no hope in sight.  At least you have basketball...oh, wait (lost recently to VCU (note, not a made up school)).

Speaking of backups named Brock, I'm guessing Cal fans wouldn't mind if Handsome Brock Mansion went ahead and pursued that male modeling career right now.  Mansion threw 12 completions for a robust 92 yards (a 4.0 yard per completion rate, if my abacus is correct) and one interception.  While that is pretty good...okay, it's not.  So it should come as no surprise that Cal lost to Washington 16-13 (sounds like a GREAT game).  There was a downpour, Cal had 7 penalties, both teams went 4-14 on 3rd downs.  Just a fun game all around, if by fun you mean sharp objects shoved in your ear...and who doesn't think of that when it comes to fun?

Also not that fun, Notre Dame beat USC.  There was quite a bit of rain in this game as well, and most of the players on USC acted like they'd never seen the stuff before.  Balls bouncing off their chests, players falling down, one guy got his face dirty, just bedlam out there.  Thanks to the Fighting Irish beating the Trojans, 20-16, we got to read a whole slew of articles about how Notre Dame football is back and how they're moving in the right direction and how a BCS bowl game is coming right up for them.  Also, this is the first time Notre Dame is over .500 in four years, so those expectations seem realistic.  Listen, you barely beat a USC team that quit about five games ago.  USC lost on the road to Oregon State, the same Beaver team that got rocked by the Washington State Cougars.  Notre Dame is going to the Champs Bowl or something like that.  So it's great that the Irish beat USC for the first time in 8 years and reclaimed the Jewelled Shillelagh (note, not made up), but let's settle down a bit, mmm-kay?  Let's beat, say, USC AND Navy in the same year and then we'll talk.  Or USC and Tulsa.  Or play more than four road games in a year.  Or next year I'm referring to you as the Notre Dame Delusional Irish.  Crazy bastards, sheesh.

Shout Outs

No normal shout outs today, as Augustana is all done with football (on to Soap Box Derby!) and ND, as alluded to above, beat USC, so instead I'll take this opportunity to pile on to Boise State.  I would almost feel sorry for Boise State, if not for the fact that I hate them.  Boise State is like a child star on TV.  At first, they were cute and precocious.  Aww, the got to play in the Fiesta Bowl...and hey, they're really good.  That was quite the game.  Then, as they entered uncomfortable puberty, they stopped being as cute and football fans turned to the equivalent of (old guy reference alert!) Cousin Oliver  (awww...TCU is so cute).  Then Boise stomped around like a spoiled brat ("I'm the STAR!  I DESERVE this!") until, like most fading stars, they ended up hitting rock bottom (losing to Nevada 34-31 after their kicker shanked two chip shots) and now are left with fading memories of the glory years and a nasty heroin addiction (okay, that's a stretch).  Anyway, now Boise gets to go the the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl (apparently fighting hunger with Mac n' Cheese and Triscuits) and next year joins the Mountain West (the same Mountain West that lost BYU football to independence, TCU to the Big East, Utah to the Pac 10/12 and has no national television contract).  In other words, they've skipped right past the horrible reunion show and are straight to knocking off a dry cleaners.  Bronco fever...catch it!


Recapper's Pac 10 Power Rankings

1.        Oregon – It still feels unreal.  One win away from a chance at the National Championship?  Worst case, they go to the Rose Bowl?  Really?
2.        Stanford – Thanks to BSU, Stanford gets a shot at a BCS bowl game.  The 500 fans that show up will be psyched
3.        Arizona – Only because everyone else in the league sucks it
4.        USC – Sucks it
5.        Washington – Sucks it more
6.        OSU – Yep, sucks it
7.        ASU – And…sucks it
8.        Cal – No bowl this year because they suck it
9.        UCLA – I’m pretty sure everyone thought, by now, the UCLA would not be sucking it
10.        WSU – No reward for being the team that sucks it the most

Ass Handers

OSU for whatever the hell that was in Palo Alto.  Good grief.

Thanksgiving

First off, happy Thanksgiving to everyone...my six followers and those of you that stop by to see what's what.  I give thanks today for a happy family, my health, and the fact that my in-laws finally have a dish.  Previous holidays I've been subjected to a lot of public television, horrible local news broadcasts, or truly bizarre cable access television (the good people of the Columbia River Gorge are...um...different.  Creepy religious puppet shows...ugh).

At my age, I have a love/hate relationship with Thanksgiving.  Back in my youth, I'd be able to eat enough to change the gravitational pull around me.  Just lucky I never celebrated Thanksgiving at the coast, otherwise I would probably have caused a tsunami.  As it was, I got hit by my fair share of comets.

Now, I'm not able to eat much more than a plate or a plate and a half of food before I'm so full I can't even move.  Few years ago, I felt so full I was afraid I'd bust through my clothes like a fat pink Hulk.  And Fat Pink Hulk...not strong, can not smash.  But can moan and/or groan.  So as much as I love the food, I have to eat less than the population of a small city.  Which sucks.  Chalk that up as reason number 1,287 that getting older sucks it.

Anyway, I'm off to give thanks to chocolate cake and NFL football.  I hope you all enjoyed the holiday.

Pac 10 Recap, week 12, 2010

By this time in the season, things in the Pac 10 should be pretty clear.  Most teams are who we think they are by now.  We know who is good, we know who isn't so good, we know who's lousy.  Bowl games are pretty close to being settled on, and only a few things here and there need to be settled.  This season...not so much.  For example, Oregon wins their next two games, they're in the National Championship game (woo!).  They lose their next two, they probably play in the Holiday Bowl (boooo!).  Right now, only three teams are eligible for bowl games (Stanford, Oregon, Arizona).  If Oregon State wins one more game, they go to a bowl game.  Washington and UCLA need to win out to go to a bowl, Cal needs to win 1 (at Washington) to go to a bowl.  ASU, even if they finish with six wins, won't go to a bowl game because they have two wins against Division II teams, and only one of those count (last recap I think I referenced that ASU still had bowl-hopes, but I was wrong...which increases my wrong rate to close to 90%).  It's ridiculous how up in the air everything is right now, and there's only a few more weeks left.

Guess what I'm trying to say is...the Pac 10 gives me a headache.  Have I mentioned that already?

Onward 

You know what USC Trojans hate?  Shrimp.  Also, Corvallis.  Since 2006, it's been pretty much a guarantee...Trojans come to lovely, wonderful, orangey Corvallis and they get boat-raced.  Two years ago, it was the Jacquizz Rodgers, Who the Hell is the Shrimpy Guy? Show.  This year, OSU has definitely not lived up to expectations, and the Trojans, well, everyone knows what's up with them.  Still, Beaver Nation, the unbelievably annoyingly-named fan base, wasn't feeling so good about the outcome of this one.  But even before Trojan starting QB Matt Barkely went down with an injury, this was a rout, as OSU beat the snot out of USC, 36-7.  I am not nearly smart enough to figure out why the Trojans come to Corvallis and lose every time (or at least the last three times), I just know that the happiest people in the world are probably USC fans, since the Trojans don't come back to Corvallis until 2013, because of the new weird Pac 12 conference schedule.  And I have no clue what this says about the Beavers.  They've lost to bad teams in the Pac 10 and beat good ones.  They beat Stanford at Stanford next week and holy crap the Civil War is gonna be more stressful than, I imagine, the actual Civil War was.  Or at least, AS stressful.  Probably.

Six teams in the Pac 10 played last weekend and three of them got crushed.  USC, above, and also Cal, who, after a big game against Oregon, almost pulling off the upset, had to be feeling good about Stanford, until the game started, and then not so much.  Cal was the crushee, losing the Stanford 48-14.  I think it's safe to say that Cal, despite the close game against Oregon, just isn't that good.  However, they do have Handsome Brock Mansion as their quarterback.  With a name like Brock Mansion, you know that he's handsome.  He has to be.  I imagine that Brock Mansion will finish his college career, handsomely, and then instantly go into acting, landing a plum role on one of the few remaining daytime soap operas, playing, you guessed it, Brock Mansion.

So UCLA.  Ugh.  A chance to go to sucky Washington and solidify yourselves as a bowl-bound team.  Or, the Bruins could choose to get beat by the Huskies 24-7.  UCLA, naturally, went with option B.  "Golden Boy" Jake Locker threw for 68 dynamic yards; the two teams combined for 15 penalties for 165 total yards (in fact, the Bruins had 163 total yards of offense (and used THREE quarterbacks) and had 99 total yards in penalties.  So through the miracle of math, UCLA had only 64 yards of going forward offense.  Which is awesome).  Speaking of the three quarterbacks for UCLA, they went a COMBINED 6 of 25 for 55 passing yards and 3 interceptions.  Also awesome.  Remember when Neuheisel came to UCLA and everyone thought it'd just be a matter of time before they were just as good as USC and he was an offensive guru and he'd groom quarterbacks to play in the NFL and how they have genius Rich Cho as their offensive coordinator and UCLA was gonna be awesome?  This is definitely not the awesome they had in mind, I'm thinking.

Oregon, Arizona State, Washington State and Arizona all had byes.

Shout Outs

Notre Dame can beat Army, that's for sure.  They did it again this year, this time in Yankee Stadium (for some reason...in fact, two college football games were held in Major League baseball stadiums, but unlike Wrigley, Yankee stadium was big enough for a whole football field).  Anyway, Irish beat Army 27-3 and are now bowl eligible.  One more win and they're 7 and 5 and I assume, will play in a BCS bowl.  If they lose, and are only 6-6, I'm guessing they take their ball and go home, much like the grumpy pants did last year.

Recapper's Pac 10 Power Rankings

1.        Oregon – Two wins away from National Championship.  I'm officially nervous
2.        Stanford – As one of my co-workers said, the best 1 loss team in the country
3.        Arizona - The only other Pac 10 team officially in a bowl game
4.        OSU - Up and down season, up and down my rankings
5.        USC - Definitively a middle of the pack team
6.        Cal - Because the teams after them suck more
7.        Washington - A big jump, completely arbitrary, but they could go to a bowl still  
8.        UCLA - A hot mess, but could still eek out a bowl
9.        ASU - Out of the bowl hunt, but could still make it to .500.  Could Erickson really be back next year?
10.        WSU - Bad

Ass Hander's Award

Last week, the Beavers won the award for getting throttled at home by WSU.  This week, the Beavers cause USC to "win" it by throttling the Trojans at home.  If that doesn't sum up this season, I don't now what does.

Snow-mageddon

The big Arctic Blast of Ought 10 (wait, that's not right...) hit earlier tonight, and as forecast, it was a humdinger.  If your definition of humdinger is a dusting of snow, temperatures at barely freezing, and roadways devoid of anything but water.

Hell, "dusting" is being generous.  It's like a sneezing of snow.  A detritus of snow.  I feel like saying gesundheit to Mother Nature.

The way the local news was talking today, I fully expected to be in the grip of snowy anarchy, where the law of survival of the fittest applied.  I thought we'd need to be keeping our lights out so that the marauding  bands of survivors of Snow-megeddon wouldn't be attracted to signs of human life.  Heck, as a precaution, I already ate one of my cats.  That...did not go over well with the wife.  AND, in case you're curious, cats do NOT taste like chicken.

While I'm ashamed of my Feline Reuben (1,000 Island Dressing makes anything taste better), I'm not nearly as ashamed as the local weather people should feel.  Seriously, those guys wouldn't get the weather right if they were standing outside.  I want that job:  zero expectation of being correct, make sure you laugh at stupid jokes told by the anchors, and be able to work the green screen.  Only in America!

So take the boiling water off the stove, put away the bag of rice you bought from Costco for Y2K and settle down.  Nothing to see here.

Oden out

Listen, I'm no sage, or some grand, brainy sports guy.  I like what I like, and while I generally loathe the NBA, I do follow my hometown Portland Trailblazers.  So the news that just broke that Greg Oden is out with ANOTHER knee surgery is just ridiculous.  I mean, how many knees does this guy have?  I thought he already had surgeries on both knees.

Seriously, though, I feel bad for the guy, but as a fan of the Blazers, I can't believe how quickly this team went south.  Beginning of last year, everyone was talking about a special team, a run deep into the playoffs, maybe a year or so away from contending for a title.  Now, they are contending for jack and shit.

Sad day for fans of the team.  This with the news that Brandon Roy has the knees of a ninety year old, and it's a dark day to be a Blazers' fan.

Pac 10 Recap, week 11, 2010

In November of 2008, Barack Obama was elected to the presidency of the United States, becoming the first black man to hold that post.  Also in 2008, everyone was talking about the Somali pirates, bailouts for the Big Three US automakers and the death of the world’s oldest woman, Edna Parker, who lived to be 115.  Also of import in November of 2008, the Washington State Cougars beat the Washington Huskies in the Apple Cup, 16-13 in double overtime.  Why was that important?  It was the Cougars’ last win in the Pac 10 conference.  Since then, for 16 straight games, WSU has lined up opposite a Pac 10 opponent and been beat down, bruised, bushwhacked, and bum rushed.  Well, two years later, the country’s long national nightmare is over.  If only Edna could have lived to 117, so she could have sung, with pride, “Win the day for Crimson and Gray!”  (Note:  she wouldn’t have.)

Onward

 It had to happen to someone.  In Corvallis, on a rainy, gloomy day, it happened to Oregon State.  The Beavers lost to Washington State, 31-14, and it wasn’t even that close (the Cougs jumped on top by 21 and then cruised the rest of the way).  It was ugly, and maybe the lowest point for the Beavers in a LONG time.  They’ve lost three of the last four and are in danger of not making a bowl this season (after a brutal start to the season, the Beavers finish with USC, at Stanford, and at home against Oregon, needing to win two of those games to be bowl eligible).  But this game belonged to the Cougs, who played GREAT from beginning to end.  Tuel, QB for WSU, threw for 157 yards and rushed for 79, and looked all world against a suspect Beavers' defense.  And WSU’s defense held Oregon State scoreless in the first half, the first time all season the Beav’s haven’t scored before halftime.  Fingers are pointing, grumbling is being grumbled, and the disgruntled are getting more (or is that less?) gruntled…could be a long off-season for OSU.

Whew.  That’s all I can really say after Oregon barely beat Cal, 15-13.  Okay, I can say a bit more.  This game worried me all week.  Sure, Cal has lost some bad games, and yes, their wins have been suspect, but still, at home, they are completely different (the Jekyll and Hyde comparison was cliche' before I brought it up, but since then, everyone has stolen it and used it for whatever Pac 10 team deserves it that week).  They win big at home.  And their defense, statistically, is best in the Pac 10.  And it just felt like that game, like the game back in 2007 when the number 2 Ducks went to Arizona and Dixon's knee blew up and they Ducks lost their Heisman hopeful and their national title hopes.  This game was very similar.  What wasn't similar was how the Ducks gutted it out.  I know everyone will point to the closeness of the game, and how they barely won, but they won.  Their offense was shut down, but their defense showed up, and after Cal missed their field goal to go ahead, Oregon kept the ball for NINE minutes, marching 65 yards in a clock-killing drive.  So now we know that Oregon can win whatever way they need to.  Hopefully they can do that for two more games.

Oregon wasn't the only top Pac 10 team to scuffle.  Stanford went to ASU and squeaked by with a close win, 17-13.  And won only when Luck drove the team down for a touchdown with 5 minutes left in the game.  Maybe it's the heat, but seems like good teams go to ASU and barely win.  And I may have said this before, in one of my previous years, but why the hell can't ASU be good at football?  4-6 overall, they need to beat UCLA and Arizona if they want to go to a bowl game.  A few years ago, I went on a road trip to see the Ducks play at ASU, and honestly if I had gone to college there I would STILL be going to college there.  The weather was awesome, girls were gorgeous, campus was nice.  I just don't see why ASU isn't good year in and year out...why college football players don't flock there is a mystery bigger than the appeal of Justin Beiber.

Also, USC beat Arizona 24-21.  Two big games for Arizona, to finally show they are the top echelon of the Pac 10, and both times they choke.  It might have something to do with the fact that they have THE single most high-strung coach in all of college football.  Mike Stoops makes kittens in a room full of rocking chairs look like the mellowest of stoner dudes.  He flies off the handle at the smallest of provocations.  I can just see him at home:  "I wanted SEVEN croutons on this m&^*erfu*$ing salad!  Does that look like SEVEN to you!  SEVEN!!!!"  If the team is an extension of their coach, the Arizona Wildcats collectively are going to explode during a game, which would be disgusting.  Oooo, maybe they'll do it in Eugene!  Note to self:  bring camera and a change of clothes.  No way am I driving home with Arizona Wildcat gore on my clothes.  Ick.

UCLA and Washington had a bye.      

Shout Outs

So, Notre Dame football.  They won, beating suddenly spiraling Utah 28-3.  Good for them.  One more win and they are bowl eligible, also good for them.  Two more and I think they're contractually obligated to be in a BCS bowl game.  I may be wrong about that, though.  I'll look it up.  But a great game from Notre Dame, and I was actually feeling good for them...then I saw this.  What....the....hell...is...this?

All I'll say is...that can't be okay, can it?

Augustana beat Illinois Wesleyan 20-17, clinching their 31st winning season in the last 32 years.  That is really good.  They finished 6-4 for the season.  No bowl games, since Division 1 is the only crazy division that has bowl games, so looks like that's it for the Fighting Vikings.  Another winning season is great, but boy would I like to write some stuff about the playoffs.  Hopefully next year.  Also hopefully next year, I move away from the theme of Augustana being like a high school team and come up with new material (I'm accepting suggestions, so hit me up if you've got something).


Recapper's Pac 10 Power Rankings

1.        Oregon – No asterisk for a close win.  10-0 is still 10-0.
2.        Stanford – They’re really good, and are going to get screwed out of a BCS bowl
3.        USC – Okay, not dead.  Not great, but not dead
4.        Arizona – Great season is getting away from them in a hurry.  Next up at Oregon
5.        Cal – The most crazy up and down team in the conference almost beat the number one team in the country.  Almost.
6.        OSU – Dropping like a rock
7.        ASU – Lost to USC and Stanford by a combined five points
8.        UCLA – Beats OSU, gets all excited, and now everyone is beating the Beavs.  Poor Bruins
9.        WSU (in best Harry Carey voice) – Cougs win!  Cougs win!
10.        Washington – Because they suck

Ass Handers Award

Do I even need to say it?

Pac 10 Recap, week 10, 2010

Let’s talk about geometry.  Specifically, squares.  More specifically, the square that makes up the interior of a port-a-potty.  Would someone tell me why these places are such a horror show?  I know that a lot of people go in there, and inherently, they do kind of disgusting things.  But honestly, if you went to these people’s houses, would there just be human waste stuck to the seat, or used clumps of toilet paper stuck to the wall?  And why can’t men use those little urinals?  Sure, most of the guys that go in there are too drunk to aim much of anything, but still.  Come on!  It’s like a third-world slaughter house in there.  And the smell is evocative of the very depths of hell.  And trust me, do NOT use the Googles to find out the name of the liquid chemical they use to “break down” the waste.  Some of the descriptions you’d find would make Stephen King a little freaked out.  For example (and if you’ve eaten recently, say within the last week, skip to the “Onward” part): “the chemical for the holding or waste tank/waste cassette is to reduce gas build up and break down the solids into slurry for easy disposal.”  Slurry!  Gah!  (Grossest opening to a Recap EVER!) 

Onward 

The game of the weekend was between Top 15 foes Stanford and Arizona, at “The Farm” (so called because, once, the Stanford campus used to be...wait for it...a farm.  Other clever nomenclature:  The Big Game (the game against Cal), The City (that'd be San Francisco), The CoHo (short for The Coffee House), and The Mem Aud (short for, and there's no way you'll get this one, The Memorial Auditorium).  Anyway, while the students might be lacking in cleverness, the football team does not lack for footballness, as the Cardinal (the color, not the bird!) took it to Arizona, manhandling them 42-17.  It's now obvious that there are two really really good teams in the Pac 10 and then everyone else. 

So, is it possible for a team to play really badly and still win by 37?  Yes.  Is it possible to not seem like a jerk for grousing about how badly the team played, when they won by 37?  No.  Unfortunately, that's the cross I have to bear as the Ducks sucked for at least a half of football, but still beat Washington 53-16.  Flat after a big win, the Huskies' defense just played great, bad officiating, whatever the reason, the Ducks looked really bad.  Hell, one of the guys I have season tickets with bellowed out a frustrated "Gosh!" in the second half, something he hasn't done all season (and scandalizing the 93 year old woman who sits in her sequined Duck hat, two rows in front of us).  But I will acknowledge that complaining, at all, about a 37 point win makes me a bit of a jerk.  As if that was in any doubt. 

Unlike last week, a lot of this week's games were quite close.  For example, USC hosted ASU and only won by 1, 34-33.  Keep in mind that this is the same USC that everyone thought could knock off the Ducks.  And they hosted an ASU team that's now 2-4 in the Pac 10 and lost on the road to Cal 50 - 17.  Remember that headache I was talking about?  Yeah, it's back. 

That same world-beater Cal team (at least when they're at home), went on the road to WSU and only won by 7, 20-13.  WSU is the team that lost at ASU the week before, 42-0.  The moral of the story is don't play on the road.  The other moral of the story is that Cal is maybe the single most Jekyll and Hyde team of the Pac 10, winning all of their home games by a ton and losing all of their road games (until Saturday's win against the Cougs), mostly by a ton.  So I don't know what to make of this team, and with Oregon going to Cal this weekend, I'm a little nervous.  After their first flat game of the year, and a tough home team like Cal, this feels like the one weekend where things could finally go south for the Ducks. 

Normally, I would have gone with the Civil War as the game I was most worried about, but that's dissipated a bit after the Beavers lost at UCLA, 17-14.  Talk about moribund (I know we weren't, but we should, because moribund is a great word):  the Beavs slept-walked through the whole game, gaining less than 300 total yards and only getting 63 yards rushing from Shrimpy.  Remember when Shrimpy was going to be all-world, was a pre-season Heisman pick, was going to be the greatest running back to ever play at OSU?  Saturday he carried 14 times.  He had no touchdowns.  How does a team with such a talented running back only give him the ball 14 times?  I know their offensive line is a bit suspect, but come on.  That's terrible.  The natives are getting a bit restless...in fact, I've read and heard a few people grumbling about Mike Riley and his coaching job.  Which this time last year would have been blasphemy.  Didn't OSU give Riley an open-ended, "lifetime" contract just last off season?  Maybe this season will age Riley quicker, because otherwise, Beaver fans may be stuck with the guy.  For another 20 years. 

Shout Outs 

Notre Dame had a bye.  Phew. 

Well, we've come to the low point for Augustana football, at least this year (all time low point was when Mrs. Henderson forgot about Billy's peanut allergy and added peanut butter to the brownies for the '03 Bake Sale.  Poor Billy blew up like a balloon).  For those of you that follow Augustana closely (hello, nobody), you'd know that there's been one thing you can count on each and every season (okay, two...we know that Tommy's dad will bring him to practice late every day...such a deadbeat):  Augustana will beat Elmhurst College.  For the last 31 years (23 games in a row), the Viking's have beaten down the Bluejays.  Well, on Saturday, in lovely Elmhurst (town slogan:  The World Next Door, which seems like it'd be loud for the neighbors), the Bluejays whipped up on the Vikings, and Elmhurst crushed Augustana, 35-21.  Finally, the long nightmare for 31 year old and younger Elmhurst fans is over.   

Recapper's Pac 10 Power Rankings 

1.        Oregon – Played badly, won by 37 

2.        Stanford – Not only second best in the conference, but one of the best teams in the country.  If Stanford wins out and doesn't make a BCS bowl, that's a travesty 

3.        Arizona – Clearly below the top two teams...unless they beat Oregon in Eugene in a few weeks 

4.        USC - Only 3-3 in the Pac 10, but they play great offensively...too bad their defense sucks it 

5.        OSU - .500 overall, winning record in the Pac 10, but have lost to Washington and UCLA and it really feels like the wheels are coming off.  Doesn't help that they finish with USC, Stanford and Oregon 

6.        Cal - Despite all of their issues, they are 5-4 overall and 3-3 in the conference.  Beat Oregon and they're bowl eligible and, well, big jerks 

7.        ASU - Playing better, but not that much better 

8.        UCLA - Big win at home, still with a shot at a bowl, surprisingly 

9.        Washington - Bad 

10.        WSU – Really bad.  Still like them to win Apple Cup, but I'm liking the pick less and less 

Ass Handers 

Washington came in to Autzen and faced a Duck team that played their worst game of the season.  Held them to 0 first quarter points.  And lost by over 5 touchdowns.  'Nuff said.

Recapper at Large

For the last four years, I've been sending out an email to an ever growing list of people, recapping Pac 10 football games.  And as I've done it, and as the list of people that get the email grows, one of the things I'm constantly asked is...why don't you do a blog?  I never really had a good answer, so four years later, I'm beaten down.  Blog it is.

I'll do more than Recaps, especially since the season is winding down.  I'll throw out whatever I feel like, and try to be insightful, funny, and interesting.  I'll talk about what I like, which is generally college sports, baseball, books, history, current events, my new puppy (bitey little son of a bitch), and whatever else I feel compelled to share.  I'll try to stay away from politics and other hot-button issues, if only because I prefer, at least in this format, not to be too polarizing.

So that's what I got right now.  I'll post the Recap from last week, and in a day or so, the one I just did.  After that, who knows.