Let’s talk about geometry. Specifically, squares. More specifically, the square that makes up the interior of a port-a-potty. Would someone tell me why these places are such a horror show? I know that a lot of people go in there, and inherently, they do kind of disgusting things. But honestly, if you went to these people’s houses, would there just be human waste stuck to the seat, or used clumps of toilet paper stuck to the wall? And why can’t men use those little urinals? Sure, most of the guys that go in there are too drunk to aim much of anything, but still. Come on! It’s like a third-world slaughter house in there. And the smell is evocative of the very depths of hell. And trust me, do NOT use the Googles to find out the name of the liquid chemical they use to “break down” the waste. Some of the descriptions you’d find would make Stephen King a little freaked out. For example (and if you’ve eaten recently, say within the last week, skip to the “Onward” part): “the chemical for the holding or waste tank/waste cassette is to reduce gas build up and break down the solids into slurry for easy disposal.” Slurry! Gah! (Grossest opening to a Recap EVER!)
Onward
The game of the weekend was between Top 15 foes Stanford and Arizona, at “The Farm” (so called because, once, the Stanford campus used to be...wait for it...a farm. Other clever nomenclature: The Big Game (the game against Cal), The City (that'd be San Francisco), The CoHo (short for The Coffee House), and The Mem Aud (short for, and there's no way you'll get this one, The Memorial Auditorium). Anyway, while the students might be lacking in cleverness, the football team does not lack for footballness, as the Cardinal (the color, not the bird!) took it to Arizona, manhandling them 42-17. It's now obvious that there are two really really good teams in the Pac 10 and then everyone else.
So, is it possible for a team to play really badly and still win by 37? Yes. Is it possible to not seem like a jerk for grousing about how badly the team played, when they won by 37? No. Unfortunately, that's the cross I have to bear as the Ducks sucked for at least a half of football, but still beat Washington 53-16. Flat after a big win, the Huskies' defense just played great, bad officiating, whatever the reason, the Ducks looked really bad. Hell, one of the guys I have season tickets with bellowed out a frustrated "Gosh!" in the second half, something he hasn't done all season (and scandalizing the 93 year old woman who sits in her sequined Duck hat, two rows in front of us). But I will acknowledge that complaining, at all, about a 37 point win makes me a bit of a jerk. As if that was in any doubt.
Unlike last week, a lot of this week's games were quite close. For example, USC hosted ASU and only won by 1, 34-33. Keep in mind that this is the same USC that everyone thought could knock off the Ducks. And they hosted an ASU team that's now 2-4 in the Pac 10 and lost on the road to Cal 50 - 17. Remember that headache I was talking about? Yeah, it's back.
That same world-beater Cal team (at least when they're at home), went on the road to WSU and only won by 7, 20-13. WSU is the team that lost at ASU the week before, 42-0. The moral of the story is don't play on the road. The other moral of the story is that Cal is maybe the single most Jekyll and Hyde team of the Pac 10, winning all of their home games by a ton and losing all of their road games (until Saturday's win against the Cougs), mostly by a ton. So I don't know what to make of this team, and with Oregon going to Cal this weekend, I'm a little nervous. After their first flat game of the year, and a tough home team like Cal, this feels like the one weekend where things could finally go south for the Ducks.
Normally, I would have gone with the Civil War as the game I was most worried about, but that's dissipated a bit after the Beavers lost at UCLA, 17-14. Talk about moribund (I know we weren't, but we should, because moribund is a great word): the Beavs slept-walked through the whole game, gaining less than 300 total yards and only getting 63 yards rushing from Shrimpy. Remember when Shrimpy was going to be all-world, was a pre-season Heisman pick, was going to be the greatest running back to ever play at OSU? Saturday he carried 14 times. He had no touchdowns. How does a team with such a talented running back only give him the ball 14 times? I know their offensive line is a bit suspect, but come on. That's terrible. The natives are getting a bit restless...in fact, I've read and heard a few people grumbling about Mike Riley and his coaching job. Which this time last year would have been blasphemy. Didn't OSU give Riley an open-ended, "lifetime" contract just last off season? Maybe this season will age Riley quicker, because otherwise, Beaver fans may be stuck with the guy. For another 20 years.
Shout Outs
Notre Dame had a bye. Phew.
Well, we've come to the low point for Augustana football, at least this year (all time low point was when Mrs. Henderson forgot about Billy's peanut allergy and added peanut butter to the brownies for the '03 Bake Sale. Poor Billy blew up like a balloon). For those of you that follow Augustana closely (hello, nobody), you'd know that there's been one thing you can count on each and every season (okay, two...we know that Tommy's dad will bring him to practice late every day...such a deadbeat): Augustana will beat Elmhurst College. For the last 31 years (23 games in a row), the Viking's have beaten down the Bluejays. Well, on Saturday, in lovely Elmhurst (town slogan: The World Next Door, which seems like it'd be loud for the neighbors), the Bluejays whipped up on the Vikings, and Elmhurst crushed Augustana, 35-21. Finally, the long nightmare for 31 year old and younger Elmhurst fans is over.
Recapper's Pac 10 Power Rankings
1. Oregon – Played badly, won by 37
2. Stanford – Not only second best in the conference, but one of the best teams in the country. If Stanford wins out and doesn't make a BCS bowl, that's a travesty
3. Arizona – Clearly below the top two teams...unless they beat Oregon in Eugene in a few weeks
4. USC - Only 3-3 in the Pac 10, but they play great offensively...too bad their defense sucks it
5. OSU - .500 overall, winning record in the Pac 10, but have lost to Washington and UCLA and it really feels like the wheels are coming off. Doesn't help that they finish with USC, Stanford and Oregon
6. Cal - Despite all of their issues, they are 5-4 overall and 3-3 in the conference. Beat Oregon and they're bowl eligible and, well, big jerks
7. ASU - Playing better, but not that much better
8. UCLA - Big win at home, still with a shot at a bowl, surprisingly
9. Washington - Bad
10. WSU – Really bad. Still like them to win Apple Cup, but I'm liking the pick less and less
Ass Handers
Washington came in to Autzen and faced a Duck team that played their worst game of the season. Held them to 0 first quarter points. And lost by over 5 touchdowns. 'Nuff said.
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