Week 12, last year, update

So amazingly, in this day and age, I actually lost weeks 8 through 11. Usually I email these to co-workers, and then myself, but somehow failed to do that for those three weeks. So we jump ahead a bit to Week 12, as things begin to heat up in last year's Pac 12.


I really like the concept of branding. ESPN does it a lot. A random college football Saturday in October is "Road Test Saturday" because three ranked teams are playing away from home. Or "Gut Check Week" because a few teams that lost need to come back with a big win to stay alive in whatever crazy computer poll that determines the best football team. So you can imagine the ebullience after last weekend when the number 2, 4 and 5 BCS ranked teams all lost. By the time I got back from the game, in a foul mood anyway, I was assaulted by College Carnage! and Football Bloodbath! and Pigskin Evisceration! It was unsettling, to say the least. What seems to happen every single year is that there are four or five undefeated teams as the season winds down, and then a few lose, or most lose, and then the debate is over which one loss team is most deserving. And then, after the inevitable "Gridiron Gorefest!" it settles in that, once again, instead of chaos we just have two teams playing each other that deserve to. Now, if LSU loses, we've got problems. Unless you publish thesauruses. Those guys are definitely feeling convivial. Or, at the very least, exultant.

Onward


After last week's recap, I had a valued reader take umbrage with something I wrote about the Ducks v. USC game. Not because he's a Duck fan (far from it), but because he's apparently bitterly hateful of the 'SC program. What I had said last week was that, since USC is a ghost of a program, a loss to USC wouldn't be that bad for Oregon's chances of a robust and satisfying post season. So let me say this:  I was wrong. I was wrong in saying a loss wouldn't be bad (I still stand behind the general thesis). But one should never ever ever say that a loss would be anything other than bad. For example, the Ducks lost at home to USC, 38-35 and it TOTALLY sucked. I am not a fan of that feeling at all. So saying that a loss wouldn't be bad...that's a bad thing to say, and I take it back. However, when the Ducks beat OSU next weekend and get to host the Pac 12 Championship game, then I'll feel a little bit better. But only a little.

UCLA is exhibiting a bit of a fight (or gumption, or my personal favorite, pluck). Granted, the Bruins beat Colorado (I think they would have beaten Colorado if my mom was QB, and she throws a really bad ball) 45-6, but at one point this season, UCLA wasn't just left for dead, they were wrapped in a blanket and strapped to the top of the car to be dropped off at their relative's house, in the rain (what movie?). But now, improbably, they are on the precipice of winning the Pac 12 South. Win next week against USC and they are Pac 12 South champs! Woo! (Note, they will not beat USC.) (Note: I suck at making predictions, so they probably will beat USC.)

The Beavers beat spiraling Washington 38-21, avoiding a 10 loss season for the first time since 1995. It was a complete game for them, as handsome Sean Mannion threw for almost 400 yards and was in charge of the offense all game, and the team managed to rush for over 100 yards. A game like that makes even the most casual of college football games wonder why OSU couldn't be doing that all season long. Granted, not every team is currently as bad as Washington, but still...there are a few bad football teams in this conference, and I'm not alone in thinking the Beavers maybe should have beaten a few more of them.

Speaking of the state of Washington, they are in a bad state. So much promise early on for the Cougs, but it seems like a lifetime ago. Now, well now they're just the Cougars again, playing in miserable weather way up in the Washington Hinterlands, and basically losing to all comers. This week, that played out as the Cougars played neck and neck with Utah, only to lose in overtime, 30-27. Utah, playing for all they are worth to win the Pac 12 South (they need ASU and UCLA to both lose, and they need to beat Colorado), is on a bit of a roll. Cougars...not rolling, unless you count the downhill slide which is gaining momentum. The Apple Cup should be fun, in a sick, car crash kind of way.

As bad as it is in Washington, could be worse. Could be in Arizona. For things like old people, shorts and dark socks, mandles and convertibles, I'm leaning Arizona. For things like football teams, as horrible as the Washington teams are, ugh. Arizona's are way worse. This week, it was the falling like a rock Sun Devils versus the Wildcats (team slogan: "The Team of Inconsistent Fun!"). And in this case, the fun went to the Wildcats, who came from behind to shock the Sun Devils, 31-27. At one point, ASU was ahead 24-17, but then, well, they pooped their own bed. And as anyone that is either a) a parent or b) an alcoholic, you know that pooping the bed is MESSY. Improbably (Official Word of the Pac 12 South), ASU still also has a chance to win the division. They need UCLA to lose and they need to win and I believe they are in. So it breaks down like this:  UCLA wins, they are in. Utah wins, they need ASU to lose and I think, if UCLA wins, too, Utah still is in. If ASU wins, they need UCLA to lose. And if Brock finds out the Tiffany is secretly sleeping with Tony and that his son is actually not his son, but is Victor's, then all bets are off. Something like that. I should have done more research.

Stanford beat Cal in "The Game" (SO uncreative), 31-28. Surprisingly close, for a team that not that long ago was going to go to the National Championship and go head to head with some random SEC team.

Other Stuff


This is going to sound a bit like sour grapes, but that's okay. It's my recap. The morning after the horrible Duck loss, I was sitting with some friends in a hotel restaurant, lamenting the shouldacouldawouldas and I came across this piece of information in the Oregonian sports section, in an article written by one of the Beaver beat writers:  "It has been five years - Nov. 24, 2006, to be exact - since Oregon State fans had a day like Saturday. That's the last time the Beavers won a football game and a basketball game on the same day that the rival Oregon Ducks lost a football game." And that, my fine readers, is one of the saddest stats I have ever come across. Why do they know that? Why do they care about that? I'm sure that Beaver fans get unbelievably pissed about the whole "little brother" thing, but good god, right there in the paper, a stat about both big Beaver sports teams winning and the rival losing. How else are we supposed to think? There's an internet meme (I'm getting all fancy here, for an old guy...also, thanks Wikipedia!) that Beaver fans care more about the Ducks losing than they do about their team winning. I largely disregarded that, because no one does that, right? But after seeing that article, I'm not sure that the meme is that off base. You can't spend half your time being excited for a win and equally excited over a rival's loss and be taken seriously. We tell our kids all the time to pay attention to their own lives and stop being mad at what other people are getting, or doing. And there's no denying anymore that a significant number of Beaver fans live their lives that way. Your moms would be ashamed. Anyway, I'm off the Box of Pontification. All I really wanted to do is use the term "internet meme" in a recap, because it makes me feel young again.

Pac 12 Power Rankings (semi-controversial addition)

1. Oregon - I know. They lost to USC. But they have one loss in conference, they beat Stanford on the road and will probably go to the Rose Bowl, the Pac 12's bowl game
2. Stanford - Beat SC. Going to a BCS bowl, probably.
3. USC - a really great team, with one really big win. But lost to Stanford and ASU (!). Two losses in conference doesn't make you the best in conference.
4. UCLA - after all that, South champs, maybe
5. Utah - rising fast. Guess they belong after all
6. Washington - they HAVE to win the Apple Cup
7. ASU - I guess
8. Cal - bowl eligible has to count for something
9. OSU - I know they won...but it's only their third win all year
10. Washington State - promising season, down the tubes
11. Arizona - either really bad or just kind of bad
12. Colorado - always bad

Ass Handers


There was one obvious blowout last weekend, but honestly, who cares about Colorado? The way the Oregon game started, I thought the Ducks might get one. But honestly, only one team had their asses handed to them. What happens when you play a team you really really shouldn't to lose to, you're playing at home, you have a sizeable lead, and you have every reason in the world to win...and  you lose? You get your ass. Congrats ASU.

Last Year's Week 7 Recap

Happy birthday dads! No, wait, sorry. Just happy day, I guess. I'm hoping that all you dads got to sit on your fat asses and ignore the nippers...but I'm guessing, yeah, no. Anyway, enjoy the rest of your day with a look back at week 7 of last year's Pac 12 season.


Week 7


The past week I was laid up with consumption or the croup (some Victorian Literary disease), so I was definitely not 100% when I hit Autzen Stadium for a 7:21 kickoff. Fortunately, the weather forecast called for mild temperatures and no rain. Unfortunately, the weather forecast was forecasted by weather forecasters, who, without a doubt, are collectively the most wrong people on the planet, ahead of the clinically insane, cult members (“everyone wearing white sneakers will be safe from the aliens!”) and toddlers (“then the ponies could live in my room and sometimes soap tastes like peanut butter”). Needless to say, it was very cold and rained for much of the game, forcing me to once again don a plastic bag to keep my light-weight jacket and jeans dry. And unless you’re homeless, you probably didn’t know that plastic bags do NOT keep one warm. So at this point, after sitting through the game, I’m pretty sure I have the plague. Which sucks, as Rite Aide is currently out of Tylenol Cold and Plague.

Onward


Gritty isn't a word often associated with the Ducks (I could go into all the words associated with the Ducks, but I'm guessing most of my readers have their own words, and not many of them are printable), but after Saturday's 41-27 home win against 18th ranked Arizona State, it was certainly the word that was in my head. Already going into the game without all-world running back LaMichael James, the Ducks lost their starting QB a few minutes into the second half, and the collective "ohhhh...nooooo" was almost louder than any cheering during the game. But the backup QB did what he had to do: make a few plays, run the offense and not screw up. The Ducks are a long way from the days of Brady Leaf trotting into the game and throwing the ball all over the field like he was allergic to leather, which is nice, because I've kind of grown fond of the Ducks winning football games (it'd be nice if they won games that were considered "big," but I'll complain about that after they get beat in a bowl game). Next week they go to Colorado, the closest thing the Pac 12 has to a bye, aside from a bye, so even without their starting QB and RB, I'm not buying any of the "trap game" talk (note, no one is calling this a trap game).

Speaking of injuries, OSU suffered a few of them, aside from the ultimate injury of losing at home to BYU, 38-28. Six defensive players (I know, I know, I'm contractually obligated to say "they have a defense?") went down during the game, including one guy with a busted leg. So needless to say, bad to worse comes in to play here. The Beavers, out of 120 division 1 teams, rank 107th in rushing, and 96th in turnover margin. I'm no football genius (I just write a weekly recap of football, which you would think would require football knowledge but in fact only requires the ability to type), but neither of those stats are very good ones, and basically explains their record, along with the fact that they kind of stink on offense and defense. The Beavers aren't officially out of the "bowl race" yet, but would need to win 5 of their next six, and they haven't played Washington, Stanford or Oregon yet. So...yeah, that's all I'll say about that.

Remember when Stanford wasn't a good football team? I sure do. Using the way back machine, I pulled up some old recaps. In 2007 (my god, I've been writing these things since 2007!), Stanford lost to OSU 23-6 and had negative 8 yards rushing FOR THE GAME. In 2008 they lost to the Sun Devils 41-17, TCU 31-14 and Cal 37-16. So it wasn't that long ago that they were pathetic. But they aren't pathetic anymore. (As a quick aside, their chances of going back to pathetic are pretty good...they lost their genius coach that turned the program around and their QB (who already is better than about half a dozen NFL quarterbacks) is in his last season. And let's not forget, it's Stanford, a school that is RIDICULOUSLY hard to get in to. All of those things, to me, spell a BIG drop off next year, so enjoy the ride, Cardinal fan...next stop, MediocreVille.) Anyway, the Card stomped WSU 44-10. Did you know that Stanford was only ahead 10-7 at half? Did you know that WSU tried to play dead at halftime so they'd call the game then?

USC cleaned Cal's clocks, cruising to a cushy conquest 30-9. Contrary to completed seasons, Cal continues to crash and combust and one can't counteract contemplating the coach's conclusive culmination (I think that's a bit cumbersome, actually). Anyway, could be consternating.

Utah just needs to stop playing in the Pac 12. Losers of three Pac 12 conference games, Utah went on the road to Pittsburgh and beat them soundly, 26-14.

Colorado, also wishing they were probably not in the Pac 12, lost, again, this time to Washington, 52-24.

UCLA and Arizona had byes. Thank goodness.

Other Stuff


Last week I mentioned that Arizona head coach Mike “Loopy” Stoops would almost certainly be fired by the end of the season. Well, I was wrong about that, as Loopy didn’t make it past last Monday. The Athletic Director for Arizona actually called the coach on a recruiting trip and made him come home, sending the school jet to pick him up, which I guess is the equivalent of a parent showing up at a party to drag an overly drunk kid home by their ear. It’s telling that the comments around why Loopy was fired mid-season were about how it’s time for the kids to “have fun again.” It’s easy to assume that the kids weren’t having fun, as their coach is, at best, a cranky half-blind cougar and at worst is a legitimate maniac, but for the administration at U of Arizona to say it speaks volumes about how thin the act had become. While your Recapper will miss the easy jokes, I don’t think any of us will miss antics of a guy that, at least, should have a restraining order to stay away from anyone under the age of, say, 30.

Pac 12 Power Rankings


1. Stanford - things get a bit tougher as they face Washington
2. Oregon - no James, now no Thomas...thank goodness for Colorado
3. Washington - looking more and more like they're back, dammit
4. USC - continues to win, continues to be ignored. Ex-golden child status sucks
5. ASU - no real shame in losing on the road to a top ten team, except they always do that
6. UCLA - second half is themed Save Nuhizzy
7. Utah - only because they won
8. WSU - no shame in getting beat by Stanford, but they need to win a game again, or ghost of crappiness past will rear its head
9. Cal - boy...sucking football team, a coach that is entering "embattled" and a bunch of money for a new stadium...that's a bad recipe
10. Colorado - thinking about a "tied for 12th" category for these three
11. OSU - things can't possibly get worse, right?
12. Arizona - still awful, just hopefully enjoying it more

Ass Hander


I'm pretty sure this has never happened, but for the second week in a row, STANFORD has caused a team to win the Ass Hander Award. Last week, it was Colorado. This week, WSU, who lost by 30. Seriously, Cougs, you need to win pretty soon or this hopeful season is going to collapse (on the upside, next week...OSU).

Week 6 Pac 12 Recap - Blast from the past continues

I'm continuing my look back at last year's Pac 12 Recaps. For your consideration, week 6.


Week 6


Thursday night football games are hard on old guys like me. What I would be doing on a normal Thursday: get up, work, lunch, work, go home and yell at kids to clean up the house, watch television with the volume turned way up while drinking whiskey, eating dinner, more television, bed by 8:30. Now that's a day. A game day Thursday involves less television, less work, way more driving, less whiskey, more beer, still yelling at kids (but not mine and in a more positive way) and bed by 1 am.  Bed by 1 am on a weekday is like being punished ("but I WANT to go to bed...please let me go to bed..."). Some other bad things about Thursday night football: parking is harder, because some poor schulbs are working and they're taking up all the good spots. Also, speaking of working schlubs, they can get really grumpy when you are peeing behind their office building...is it my fault they scheduled a game on Thursday? When I'm there on Saturdays, no one can see me at all, I'm free to pee where ever I'm standing. But the very worst thing about Thursday night football games is Friday. Good lord, toughest day ever. Work? Sure, I'll get right on that, as soon as I have the strength to lift my head off my desk. Just give me an hour or so, and also, please stop talking so loudly. And typing. And breathing.

Onward


I'll start by giving a special shout out to the weather person that predicted a 30% chance of rain Thursday night in Eugene. You were spot on...it only rained for about 30% of the game. Can I just say, please, how horrible weather people are? Is there any job in the world where the only requirements are that you can speak in complete sentences, you're somewhat telegenic, and you never ever ever have to be right? I mean, besides Congress? (zing!) Anyway, it rained for much of the first part of the Ducks game vs. the Cal Bears, and it seemed, for some reason, to effect the Ducks, who were at best a bit sluggish in the first half. But they turned it on at half time and Oregon blitzed the Golden Bears, 43-15. Aside from that, the only notable part of the game was a gruesome injury sustained by stud running back LaMichael James. During a big scrummy pile up, he apparently dislocated his elbow and we all got to see it on the big screen. Which lead to this: a stadium full of people crying out, collectively, "Ohhhhh...the humanity!" It was flat sick, and reminded me of the time I dislocated my finger playing basketball (back when basketball meant actually running up and down a court with other guys, shooting and passing the basketball, as opposed to now, where "basketball" means dunking nerf hoops with thunderous authority on my kids and getting yelled at by my wife ("but honey, posterizing my kids teaches them humility!")). Unlike James, who popped his dislocated his elbow back into place (gahh!), when I dislocated my finger, I ran off the court and squatted down in the corner, mewling like a hungry kitten. My finger was actually pointing in about three directions and made me a) a bit woozy and b) wet myself. I in no way popped my finger back in, instead going to the emergency room where in a scant two hours, the helpful doctors did it for me for the low low price of "holy crap, HOW much did they charge us?"

Sad news to report:  the head coach of the Arizona Wildcats, Redfaced McBulgeyeyes, has passed away. Cause of death was spontaneous explosion and evaporation, caused by his team losing to previously unvictorious Oregon State, 37-27. Coach is survived by his high-strung wife and three petrified-into-silence children. Ha, just kidding, I made that up. Everyone knows that Coach’s family went into hiding long ago. Okay, seriously, after a spirited game in which the Wildcats came from way back and made things interesting, Arizona is left with a nine game losing streak to teams in Division 1 and are, at best, WAY worse than we thought they were. Coach Stoops almost assuredly won’t keep his job after the season is over, and the day he gets fired will be a bad one for his office furniture, secretarial staff, cars parked anywhere around his car, and any animals between his office and home. On the flip side, pick your cliche on what giant animal is lifted off of what part of the Beavers' collective body, but the relief coming from Corvallis and "Beaver Nation" (ugh) is palpable. It's hard to know what to take out of a game between two pretty bad teams, so I'll save the "Beavers are back!" proclamations for crazies in the Comments section of Oregonlive.com, but nevertheless, a win is a win is a win, as Shakespeare said (or should have).

So I'm guessing Utah isn't too happy about that whole "all we need is a invitation to a BCS conference, and then we'll prove we can play with the big boys" mantra that has been the drumbeat of schools like Utah and Boise State and TCU. Just give us a chance and we'll show we belong. Well, after a 35-14 beat down at the hands of ASU, Utah sits at 0-3 in the Pac 12 and is suddenly about as relevant as soap at an Occupy Wall Street rally. This gets filed under "be careful what you wish for," just like that time I really wanted a pony and my parents got me a pony but we didn't have a backyard so the pony lived in my room and man do ponies poop a lot and they kind of smell and eat almost all the time. A room full of pony poop and six pounds of Cheerios later, my parents said "You satisfied?" and we gave the pony to a farm. Moral of the story (other than my parents, in retrospect, were REALLY mean) is that while ponies are cute, ponies gotta poop someplace. Words I think teams like Utah might want to take to heart.

Stanford smeared Colorado 48-7. While Stanford continues to be really impressive, they just haven't played anyone yet. San Jose State, Duke, Arizona, UCLA and Colorado. Not exactly Murder's Row (by the way, Murder's Row is without a doubt the WORST row, easily beating Maimer's Row, Shover's Row, Noogier's Row and I Got Your Nose Row). So while Stanford is clearly good, I just want to see them play someone. And I saw that they're in the top ten BCS rankings, which makes sense, since they've played no one. College Football is like an obnoxious relative: they do so much to bug you, and yet you can't help loving them (and yes, I'm speaking from experience, and no, I'm not talking about myself (geez...big jerks)).

Back in the day, fans of Washington State football used to use the term "Couging It" to refer to times in the games when the Cougars would do something dumb to cost them the game. Like, "they really Coug'd it on that running play." But as the fortunes of the WSU team continued to slide south, "Couging It" seemed kind of redundant, and instead they just referred to it as "Cougar Football" as in "Cougar Football is really bad." This season, that has been changing a bit, as WSU went into LA to face UCLA with a winning record and a strong offense. And they "Coug'd It." Up by 8 in the fourth quarter in front of 572 dispirited fans in the Rose Bowl, WSU allowed UCLA to come back and win 28-25. So now, it can be said, that WSU is back to the level of frustrating mediocrity, as opposed to soul-crushing awfulness. Progress!

USC and Washington had byes

Other Stuff


Not a lot of really interesting stuff happened this weekend in college football, but BCS standings come out next week, so we'll get to see how horrible computers are at football. In a world where every other movie, since the word computer entered our lexicon, is about how computers will take over the world ("Terminator," "War Games," "Eagle Eye" (awful, don't bother), "The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes"), why we are letting computers decide who the best teams are is baffling. Computers are good for doing work (but not doing work FOR us...when is that going to happen?), throwing birds at pigs, and letting me listen to Weird Al Yankovic without the public embarrassment of buying CDs from the store. But they are NOT good for choosing whether Boise State or Georgia Tech are good football teams. They just aren't. And I know that if I keep bad mouthing computers that they'll take their revenge by emptying out my bank account or making my car drive by itself, but I don't care. Screw you computers!

Pac 12 Power Rankings


1. Stanford - still haven't played anyone, but plowing through their schedule
2. Oregon - we'll see how they do without James for a while
3. ASU - looking better and better; next week, big game at Oregon
4. Washington - upper echelons of Pac 12 are there for them
5. USC - middle of the road seems about right
6. UCLA - 3 and 3 and a winning record in the league...I'm shocked, too
7. WSU - big road test, failed...next game at Stanford...uh oh
8. Cal - remember when they were a national power, with stud quarterbacks?
9. Utah - there's no place like home, there's no place like home (home = Mountain West Conference)
10. Colorado - only because they've beaten one Division 1 team
11. OSU - out of the cellar, baby! Woo!
12. Arizona - awful

Ass Hander's Award


Colorado gets the first every Ass Hander's Award, as they lost to Stanford by 41. Welcome to the Pac 12, pal.

Pac 12 Recap, Weeks 4 and 5

My week 4 recap is lost to the electronic ether, which kind of sucks. But below is week five, where I ramble on and on about football and stuff. Enjoy.


Week 5


I have a friend, who will remain nameless (hello, Nameless), who sent me a text message about the death of Mark Helfrich's dad (my kids showed me how to use text messaging on the phone...those seven year olds are smart). Mark Helfrich is a coach for the University of Oregon. My friend's text messages went on to say that the University chartered two buses and most of the team and coaching staff drove south to the Helfrich's hometown of Coos Bay, where they attended the funeral with much of the town (either a VERY small town, or maybe Mr. Helfrich was much beloved). But I thought it was a nice story, of a team virtually en masse going to pay respects to the passing of a coach's family member. And I bring you this story with some caveats, of course: 1. I'm a fan of the Ducks and always want to see them in a good light; 2. Most any team would probably do the same thing. But the most interesting thing about this, to me (probably not to you, but hey, it's my recap), is the very small amount of coverage something like this got. I went back online through Oregonlive.com and found no mention of not only the trip to the funeral, but nothing even on the death of the coach's dad. It's as if we've settled into this story line (and by we I mean the press and the people that read the press...so, we) that the Ducks are "thugs" (my friend's actual term) and law-breakers (and naturally the Beavers are a cute little family devoted to their grandmothers...and that USC are all big cheaters (okay, that one is true) and on and on). This idea of black and white, one side is right, the other is wrong press coverage is half the reason our world is so messed up right now (the other half is that our world IS actually messed up right now). How hard is it to write a quick piece about what happened? My friend took probably 45 seconds to write those text messages and it changed the way I look at the team. By presenting both sides of a story, it lets people make up their own minds and would go a long way to taking the toxicity out of sports, sports coverage, and frankly, world events. Of course, most people would argue I'm FAR from even-handed, but I'm just some schlub doing this for fun. It's the professionals we should hold to a higher standard.

Onward
Stanford is really good. They took care of UCLA 45-19 and made it look easy in the process. They mostly shut down the Bruins pistol attack (which sounds way scarier than it is...pistol attack!) and forced two turnovers. And then there's all-world Andrew Luck, everyone's favorite eschewer, who eschewed going to the NFL and making millions so he could stay in college and soak up all that joy of living and crap like that. He apparently caught a pass one-handed, which really is just rubbing everyone's face in it. When you're busting out trick plays so you can beat UCLA by 26, well, that's kind of mean. The whole team is already going to get jobs better than most of us; now they have to bust out trick plays and show how versatile they are? Note to Stanford...we don't like you. Quit it.

How excited do you think WSU was when the Pac 10 let Colorado join the conference? On a scale of 1-10, I'd go with very. Because while WSU football has lately been synonymous with the feeling you get when you step in dog excrement while wearing good shoes, Colorado football has been synonymous with the feeling you get while scrapping off said dog excrement off said shoes and getting said excrement on your hand. Anyway, in the Said Excrement Bowl, Colorado and WSU battled in Boulder and with two scores in the last 4 minutes, the Cougs proved they are most definitely NOT worse than poop on the hand. The Cougs stunned the Buffs 31-27 and at 3-1, are halfway to a real live bowl game. These are definitely not the Cougars we remember, and considering some of the lack of quality teams at the bottom of the conference, I think the Cougs have a legitimate shot at a bowl. In fact, I'm saying it right now: WSU will be bowl eligible this year (note to bettors...don't bet on that; I've been known to be wrong).

Speaking of bottom of the conference...hello OSU. Here's how you know that a season isn't going to go your way: on ASU's first three possessions, the Sun Devils' QB threw two interceptions and fumbled. OSU capitalized by scoring 13 points. Now, thirteen isn't bad, but when you're winless and struggling, you need to take advantage of all the gifts you get. OSU didn't do that, and got beat by Arizona State 35-20. As a guy that likes to look at the bright side of things (hahaha), freshman quarterback Handsome Steve Mannion set passing records for the school (attempts and completions), but had four interceptions (not a record for an OSU quarterback, unfortunately). OSU is now the only winless team in a BCS conference, and aside from programs like Miami (Ohio) and New Mexico, are only one of a handful of teams not to win yet. Next up for OSU is Arizona, a school with their own pack of issues, and since neither team can really run the ball, expect a lot of chucking around of the ol' pigskin.

Speaking of pigskin chucking and Arizona, they lost to USC 48-41 in one of those classic whoever has the ball last wins. And I guess USC had it last, because they won. I've talked a lot about Arizona and their grumpy coach, but how grumpy do you think Lane Kiffin is? We're talking USC, they're 4-1 overall, 2-1 in the conference, and they aren't getting ANY national attention. Granted, they lost to ASU, and beat a pretty lousy Arizona squad by 7, but still, it's weird to see USC underrated. Weird in a "what's this pot of gold doing under my bed?" way, and not in a "why is that guy in the ladies hat and way too small Smurfs t-shirt following me around the mall?" way.

And finally, Washington might be good. Or Utah is bad. Either way, Washington won big, 31-14, in Utah. Neither Utah or Colorado are doing so hot in their new conference, which proves the old adage that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. And even if it is, it's still grass, and grass is yucky.

Other Stuff


Boise State beat Nevada this weekend 30-10. I heard someone on the radio talking about how the Mountain West is improved this year, what with 3-1 Wyoming (haha) and 3-1 San Diego State (hahaha) and 3-1 Air Force (hahahahaha). But TCU got beat by SMU, Wyoming lost to Nebraska 38-14 and San Diego State got beat by Michigan 28-7. So Boise State beats one team in the SEC (a not that great Georgia team), then plays cupcakes like Nevada and Tulsa and Toledo, and right now, their toughest game remaining is, I guess, at San Diego State. So the Mountain West is improved (as in, not godawful, just awful), so now everyone can justify the high ranking for Boise, when in fact they have done NOTHING to prove they belong up there. Sure, their offense is good and their defense is good, but they've played no one. And they won't. Put them in a good conference, hell, put them in the Pac 12, and they lose 3 games a year, easy. You think they play Arizona's schedule and go undefeated? Hell no. Yes, I realize I'm tilting at windmills (literature alert!) and that I've said it before, but I'll say it again, aside from Notre Dame, there isn't a team more propped up and over-hyped than Boise State.

Cal and Oregon had byes

Pac 12 Power Rankings
1. Stanford - Rolling along
2. Oregon - bye week, play Thursday against Cal
3. ASU - able to overcome a bad game and still win
4. Washington - starting to look better and better
5. WSU - a hell of a road win
6. USC - winning the games they should
7 Cal - big test in Eugene on Thursday
8. Arizona - lost, by not that much, so moving up
9. Utah - got boatraced at home...welcome to the Pac 12
10. UCLA - may be the end of the New-Hi-Zell era...spell check is grateful
11. Colorado - thank goodness for OSU
12. OSU - "lovable losers" (according to the Oregonian) may become more of both

Ass Handers Award


UCLA, thankfully, lost by more than Utah did. It's always more fun to stick the AHA on someone's cube wall. And UCLA...boy oh boy...in the running for Ass Handers of the Year already, and we're only in week 5.

Back in Time, cont'd: Week 3 Recap

As I continue to post my recaps for all the internets to enjoy, here's week 3 from last year.


Week 3


As you know, I've been an ardent supporter of the Pac 12 in this space (I would imagine some of you have heard QUITE enough about that, thank me very much). Why, even last week, I wrote a barely correct argument against the Pac 12's shoddy national reputation. But, I'm afraid to say, after this weekend, I really have nothing to say other than...I was wrong. Pac 12 collectively sucks it. Now, sure, I would have been better off making this argument last week, because this week, the Pac 12 mostly won, but when you're winning games against Missouri State and something called Presbyterian and Colorado State, and losing big against Nebraska and Texas (no shame in those) and San Diego State (um) and Illinois, it's hard to make an argument for greatness. At best, the Pac 12 is inconsistent. At worst...not sure it's good at all. The next few weeks will be telling, as conference play starts, so I reserve the right to say stupidly outlandish and knee-jerky things in the future, but for now, my money is on Stanford in the Rose Bowl and then bitching about the rest of the Pac 12's bowl affiliations. Maybe it'll get better when the conference expands to 16 or 20 or whatever...if they could get an NFL team to join, that would really help the conference's profile.

Onward


The one big game inside the conference was between Stanford and Arizona, in the desert, under the lights (cliche alert!). Stanford, picked by many to be the champion of the new Pac 12, went on the road for its first big test of the season. Of course, as we know, this is Arizona we're talking about, and if anything is true about Arizona it's this: don't believe what anyone ever says about them. They're good? Okay, go on the road and get smushed against Oklahoma State. Boy, are they bad...run off seven straight wins to open the season. I guess the only thing different about this team this year is that they're imploding early...usually they don't implode until the pressure of playing for Bulgey McNeckveins for half a season gets to be too much. So perhaps Flying McSpittle is extra fly off the handley because of the increasing heat on his seat (as in, people might be getting sick of how intense he is, especially now that they don't win very much). In this particular game, it was close for a bit, and then Stanford pulled way ahead and won comfortably, 37-10. Arizona's crappy offensive line (they can't run the ball AT ALL) will probably doom them to a pretty bad season, and then we should see what the combination of really hot seat and really hot-headed coach produces...just make sure you wear a hazmat suit.

I'm going to go out on a limb (brace yourselves) and say that UCLA is not good. I know, I know, I'm a bold proclamator (not a word), but I think it's true. Two things led me to this: they suck on offense and they suck on defense. They hosted a rebuilding Texas (I know it's Texas, but they're starting new quarterbacks and new WRs and are just generally a young team). Whereas UCLA is starting oft-injured QBs and wide-receivers that might be allergic to the materials they use to make footballs. Texas beat UCLA, in LA, 49-20. Coach Neuheisel (a hard name to spell, by the way...isn't it I before E except after C?) has officially asked to have his name changed to Rick "Hot Seat" Neuheisel, which is a better nickname than most of the fans have given him...like "*&%$&!" and "$*%*+!" and "Poopy Face" (even the little kids have turned against him). I wouldn't be surprised if, say they lose at OSU by a lot next week, that Hot Seat actually gets the ejector seat mid-season (man, that's clever).

The only other game of import this weekend was Nebraska against Washington. In a weird quirk (and showing how stupid bowl games are), Washington hosted Nebraska last year and got smoked. Then in some goofy bowl last season (too lazy to look it up), Washington beat the Huskers. So Saturday's game turned out to be the third meeting in 364 days (someone said that on the radio...I didn't look it up...too lazy). And third time was a charm for Nebraska. Huskers won in a shootout, 51-38. So obviously the vaunted Black Shirt defense that Nebraska used to be famous for is no more, but then, the Huskies left their defense back in Seattle, so it didn't matter what color shirts the Huskers defense wore. The UW quarterback seems like he might be really good, so I look forward to him going from under-rated to rated to over-rated by the time he's almost done with his junior year.

Hey, Washington State...thanks for listening to me. Last week, I asked them to start losing again because I feared for the safety of the world. Well, apparently I have MUCH more pull than I thought, because WSU went to mighty San Diego State and got beat, 42-24. Now sure, SDSU is 3-0 after that win, and they did beat Army (at football, not at war...not as impressive, but still), but they are still only San Diego State. They play in the Mountain West Conference, home to insufferable Boise State and not much else (TCU's last season in the Mountain West is this season, then they go to the suddenly not so good Big East...so confusing). I'm not ready to say it's a bad loss and Washington State seems to have a pretty dang good quarterback and at least one good wide receiver, but, like Arizona, can't really run the ball. Not sure what to make of that mini-trend, other than it probably doesn't bode well for winning. But anyway, very excited that I was able to make WSU lose...it's an awesome power, now I must use it responsibly. Like...dear random old rich person...I'm pretty sure I'm a long lost relative of yours...so you might want to update your will (I'll let you know what happens on that).

So Arizona State being good didn't pan out for them. The Sun Devils got beat by the Fightin' Illini of Illinois 17-14. Apparently the Sun Devils quarterback, Gigantor (note: not his real name), was sacked six times and threw two picks. I don't know how they got Gigantor down six times; I'm assuming the Big 10 allows construction equipment on the field. I just keep picturing Tom and Jerry cartoons when I imagine Gigantor getting sacked. Physics defying acts where the players float a few inches off the ground with a pool cue and, still getting full leverage, whacking the crap out of Gigantor's knees. Probably not how it happened, but without watching a LOT of SportsCenter, I can't confirm or deny.

Cupcake feasts happened in Eugene, where the Ducks beat Mizzouri State 56-7 and in San Francisco (Cal plays at the Giants baseball stadium as their piece of crap home stadium finally gets worked on) where Cal squashed something called Presbyterian 63-12. Not quite as cupcakey, but USC beat Syracuse 38-17 and Colorado beat arch-rivals Colorado State 28-14. And finally, Utah beat BYU 54-10.

OSU got by bye by going with an 11-man quarterback rotation, playing all of them at once and basically playing organized Keep Away. We'll see how that works next week against an actual football team.

Other Stuff
Notre Dame beat 15th ranked Michigan State and qualified for a BCS bowl. Ha, okay, not really. But, they did. Now that they won, we can stop feeling bad for them and go back to not liking them again.

Speaking of insufferable, Boise State really bugs the crap out of me. We're at week three of the season, Boise has played TWO games (against an over-rated Georgia team and an average Toldeo team) and we're already being subjected to teeth-gnashing and hand ringing over how poor Boise State (note...NOT A STATE) will be left out of the national championship picture. That's because Boise is about to enter league play...and the Mountain West makes the Pac 12 look like the NFL. Seriously, they play Nevada, Air Force, Wyoming, New Mexico, UNLV. That's a preseason schedule, not a conference schedule. Well, yeah, Recapper (people would say), they can't help their schedule, they just play who they have and beat them. Sure, Recapper would answer, but it's still a TERRIBLE schedule. Yeah, Recapper would continue, their QB is really good...but try telling Recapper that they'd put up video game numbers week in and week out if they faced a schedule like Arizona's: Oklahoma State, Stanford, Oregon, USC. Boise plays one or two big games ALL SEASON. Arizona played four big games in a ROW. Boise State, their fans, and the media are annoying as hell about what's fair and isn't. What's not fair is that everyone treats Boise State like a legitimate national power when they play cream puffs all year.

Also, hey, weather. We talked about this. Quit ruining football. One game ended after the third quarter and the Oklahoma State v. Tulsa game was delayed almost 3 hours and started AFTER midnight local time. That's nuts. So knock it off, stupid weather.

Pac 12 Power Rankings
1. Stanford - After soundly beating Arizona, clearly the best of the Pac 10 right now
2. USC - Still undefeated, will be interesting to see them play someone good now
3. Cal - Same as USC
4. Oregon - Got healthy against cupcakes (wouldn't that be great if it happened in real life, too?). Big test at Arizona next week
5. Washington - Good offense, no defense, got beat by superior team
6. ASU - Exposed on the road
7. WSU - Now comes real competition...will be interesting to see how much they've improved
8. Utah - Hurt by the one conference loss
9. Arizona - Halfway through murder's row (one of the worst of the rows)
10. Colorado - As long as they don't have to go on the road...
11. UCLA - So not good
12. OSU - Still without a win, but a good chance to move up: they face UCLA next weekend

Ass Handers
Mathematically, and by all the other 'callys, UCLA sucked the worst this weekend, losing by 29...and it wasn't even that close. So, congrats, here's the Ass.

Back in 2011, I started with Week 1 of the Recaps, so you can travel back in time and read that to make sure you didn't miss anything (hint:  you didn't).

So here's week 2 of the recap from last year's thrilling inaugural Pac 12 season:


Week 2


Sorry for the delay...my dog ate my...um, internet access.... Funny how that whole "dog at my ___" excuse is probably going to disappear completely from the lexicon within the next ten years. Kids will just beam their homework from their iPads directly to the teacher's laptop hard-drive. Technology! Making it harder for kids to get away with stuff!

The Pac 12 gets a lot of lip on the national stage for not being a strong conference. But Oregon got beat on a "neutral" field by number 4 ranked LSU, Arizona played 8th ranked Oklahoma State, in Oklahoma, Oregon State "played" 7th ranked Wisconsin, in Wisconsin, and ASU played 22nd ranked Missouri. Granted, the Pac 12 went 1 and 3 in those games. But look at the SEC: Georgia played Boise State, LSU played Oregon, and Alabama played ranked Penn State (ranked because Penn State lives in that old-timers wistful, when football was FOOTBALL world of Notre Dame and Michigan). Of those, only Georgia lost, but Penn State sucks and Oregon was probably a bit too highly ranked. My point is (and admittedly, I'm not necessarily backing this up with facts), the Pac 12 PLAYS people. They'll go on the road and face tough early season opponents. And the Pac 12 doesn't really have patsies (although Oregon State is certainly trying out for the part). The two biggest recent national Pac 12 games, Oregon v. Auburn and Oregon v. LSU didn't go the way of the Pac 12, but Auburn was number 1 and LSU was number 4. It's not like they're losing to mediocre teams. I still think Stanford, Oregon, and maybe ASU this year beats half the SEC head to head. My point is, this national reputation thing is garbage, but since the worst part of college football is the "beauty pageant" mentality, the Pac 12 is either going to have to win those big games or stop scheduling them (like the SEC).

Onward


The best Pac 12 game of the week was ASU beating Missouri 37-30 in overtime. They went with the "black out" theme in the stands, in which everyone there drank an INCREDIBLE amount of alcohol, threw up, were grossly inappropriate, and then collectively passed out (checking the internet to see if that's true...and it's not. Apparently they all just wore black shirts. Is it sharing too much to say I've done the former black out WAY WAY more times than the latter? Yes? Okay, moving on). Mizzou, as they like to be called (not Missou, though, because that makes sense, whereas Mizzou does not), actually came roaring back in the fourth quarter and tied the game with under three minutes left, but they missed a late field goal to win and the game went to overtime. And ASU scored on a touchdown from their gigantic QB (seriously...he's six feet eight inches tall and 240 pounds. 6'8"! 240! And he's a quarterback! I can't stop using exclamation points!). Said QB is named, of course, Brock (you can't be 6'8" and 240 pounds and be named Randy...of course at 6' 8" and 240 pounds, some would argue who could be named whatever he wanted and it wouldn't matter) threw for 353 yards and 3 touchdowns. So he sucks.

Arizona, coached by Grumpy McLockjaw, went to Stillwater, Oklahoma (on purpose) and got shellacked by the Oklahoma State Cowboys 37-14. While Arizona's QB (6'5" 240 pounds, named Nick...I'm seeing a trend) threw it around the field, the Wildcats couldn't run the ball at all, amassing 41 total rushing yards. That's lousy. In the post-game news conference, Arizona's coach threw two chairs, uttered 173 curse words (in two minutes...a record if those sumbitches at Guinness weren't such prudes), beat up a reporter (for Highlights magazine, too...reportedly the kid will be okay) and then lit fire to the team bus. Arizona school President Pushover McLooktheotherway issued a strongly worded written reprimand from his secure, undisclosed location.

USC beat new Pac 12 team Utah 17-14, and then beat new Pac 12 team Utah 23-14. Confused? Yeah, me too. See what happened was that at the end of the game, as Utah was driving, trailing by 3, the Utes lined up for a field goal. USC blocked it and one of the players ran it back for a score, while the USC players on the sideline ran onto the field (because at this point in USC's program, hanging on for a 3 point (or 9 point) win, at home, against UTAH, is HUGE). Apparently running onto the field during game action is a flaggable offense, so the refs threw the flag, assessed a penalty and the game ended, 17-14. Las Vegas began paying out to everyone that picked Utah to cover the spread. Then the Pac 12 decided that the returned blocked field goal should have counted as a touchdown and that USC won 23-14. So Las Vegas found the guys they paid off, broke their knee caps, took all their winnings, told them not to talk to the police OR ELSE, then paid off USC fans who picked them to cover. Meanwhile, the Pac 12 has entered Witness Protection, because Vegas is so mad at them, and they will now be referred to as Harvey Schmidt and they run a small hardware store someplace in the Midwest. So for the rest of the year, you can look forward to the Harvey Schmidt Recap (on Tuesday, Harvey ran out of leaf blowers, because of the unusually strong winds in ______, _____).

So...WSU...let's talk. I know I've been really rough on you lately, but you've made it so damn easy. The last two years have been dark ones, to say the least. Moral victories when you can keep a team from scoring 100 points. Starting guys at running back that hadn't played football since the fourth grade. Ranking so low in most statistical categories that statistics started getting mad at you. But, 2011...I mean, come on. 64-21 over Idaho State? 59-7 over UNLV (a school most of us have actually HEARD of)? What's going on, guys? You're making me a bit nervous. Sure, we have Colorado to kick around (haven't won a road game since the invention of roads), but this isn't like you at all. Even statistics like you now: 6th overall in passing yards (overall in the COUNTRY, not just in Pullman, Washington), 27th in rushing, 1st in points scored, 24th in points against. This is freaking me out, okay? So stop it. I know you face San Diego State (San Diego of course, not a state...why can't they get that right?) and Colorado, so the likelihood of 4-0 is strong (the first 4-0 start for WSU since the invention of the numbers 4 and 0), but I don't like it. It seems too weird, and will make me face other weird things, like the world ending in 2012, or my creepy neighbor that does naked yoga in his backyard (um, sir? Would you stop that? You're making my kids cry). So, please, make the world right again and start losing once in a while. Sincerely, your Harvey Schmidt Recapper.

There's an old saying in football that if you have two starting quarterbacks, you actually have zero starting quarterbacks. Oregon State is working extra hard to reaffirm that old adage. The Beavs went to Madison, Wisconsin (on purpose) and got boat-raced, 35-0. In the course of the game, Ryan Katz started at QB, was in for three plays (three plays!) and then was replaced by the other starting QB, the handsomely named Sean Mannion (6'5", 218). Mannion threw for a robust 244 yards with no touchdowns or interceptions. So you can see why he plays so much. I'm not one to question a head coach (hahahaha), but what the hell is Mike Riley doing? Pick a guy, play the guy, lose the games, and go home and have dinner. Just quit with the jerking the two kids around. What he's going to do is kill both player's confidence (or is that confidences?), they're going to lose a lot anyway, and then he'll have to rebuild whichever guy he chooses going into next year. This Beaver team is young, not very deep, and not that great. If it's a rebuilding year, fine, then rebuild. But what he's doing with the QBs right now makes it seem like Riley is either a) losing his marbles or b) has already lost his marbles. And you need marbles to be a good coach. Ask anyone (well, not Riley...anyone else).

The Ducks invited Nevada to Autzen to be a cupcake and get their butts kicked. Nevada got their butts kicked 69-20.
Cal barely beat Colorado, Washington only sort of beat Hawai'i, UCLA took care of San Jose State, and Stanford beat up Duke in the Brainy Bowl.

Other Stuff


If you did not see the end of the Michigan v. Notre Dame game, good lord did you miss some exciting football. Now, yes, Notre Dame and Michigan are those programs that everyone loves because a long time ago they were relevant, and yes, I kind of hate them both, and yes, they wore "throw back" uniforms even though they've NEVER changed their uniforms, and yes, the "playing under the lights" thing was an artifice to bring in viewers (Michigan had never played a night game at home...never. Which would be amazing if they didn't have, you know, lights...if they wanted to make it really cool, they should have just played in the dark). So yes, all of that is fine (also of note, neither team is that good), but that fourth quarter was AWESOME. I was at a picnic (on the hottest day of the year...I sat in a chair and sweated for three hours, which was bad for me, but even worse of the chair) and caught some of the fourth quarter on the radio on the way home. Then, and I'm not making this up, the family and I run into the house, turn on the game, and all four of us watched the last four minutes and we were yelling and cheering and high-fiving each other at every play...and I HATE Notre Dame. But it was back and forth, one busted offensive play after another, last second scores, last half-second scores, crazy catches, and a crowd that was going NUTS. After the game was over and Michigan had won (on a crazy catch with 2 second left) 35-31, no one in the stands would leave. It was SO cool and reaffirms why I love the sport so much. Sure, there's SO many things wrong with it, but like your drug-addicted sibling who keeps stealing your pets to sell for drugs, you still can't stop loving him/her. And this game reminded me that college football is my drug-addicted sibling (no offense to my actual sibling).

APHSPR (Arbitrary Harvey Schmidt Power Rankings)


1. Stanford - really good so far, although Duke is not much of a football school
2. ASU - Impressive home win against ranked Mizzou
3. WSU - I don't know if it's the competition, or if WSU is just really good, but numbers don't lie
4. USC - 2-0, but barely
5. Cal - 2-0, but barely
6. Washington - 2-0, but barely
7. Oregon - cupcakes are yummy
8. UCLA - 1-1, coach on the hot seat, but .500 is better than .000 (see, I am good at math)
9. Utah - Lost a heartbreaker to USC
10. Arizona - got their asses kicked by ranked school...haven't beaten a D1 school in six tries
11. Colorado - almost beat Cal
12. OSU - almost beat Sacramento State

Ass Handers Award


I know a few people I work with that went to OSU, so while I'm not really a fan of the football team, I've always tried to temper my feelings (and not always successfully, they'd argue) out of respect for them. Which is why I don't think they've ever gotten two Ass Handers in a row. But losing 35-0 is a beat down, no matter how I feel about a team. And since they lost by more than any other Pac 12 team, they get the award again. Fortunately, the streak ends at two, as next week they will certainly do well against Bye Week.

Hi.  It's been awhile. I'd like to say I had a good reason for not posting (trapped under a beam, training to be an astronaut, climbing some mountain) but, alas, I do not. Just lazy.

But recently I discovered I'm going to be out of a job. My giant credit card company/employer decided to sell us to another giant credit card company/employer and the latter decided that my (and many of my co-worker's) services were no longer needed.

I don't know when my last day is, but it's coming up within the next few months, so I'll have a lot of downtime. And while it'll be nice to hang out with the missus more often, I'll miss being around my co-workers, spouting all the random thoughts that fill my head.

Which is where the blog comes in. It'll be my vent, allowing me to blow off the steam that generally builds up in my sometimes weird head.

Over the next few days, I'll be filling the blog with last year's Pac 12 Recaps, which kind of put me on the map, so to speak.

Next year's Recaps will reside here as well, once the football season starts.

So strap yourselves in...okay, just kidding. But hopefully I can bring you all back, and others, and share with you the large amount of pith that I seem to be filled with (no, that's not supposed to be gross).

Pac 12 Recap, Week 1 2011

I’m sorry to say that the Pac 10 Recapper is no more. After, what, five years of this, I will no longer be recapping the games of the Pac 10. It has been my honor to write these for you and I hope you’ve enjoyed reading them as much as I’ve enjoyed writing them. While it has sometimes been a struggle, its always been worth it, because of you, fair readers. So thanks very much.

Before I sign off for good, let me introduce your new Recapper, the Pac 12 Recapper, who, unfortunately for most of you, is actually still me. That’s right, I shamelessly manipulated you into all collectively thinking “Noooo…don’t go!” (or, “Finally! Let’s get someone who can write these better, like my cat!”) all so I can inflate my meager ego.

So…thanks for being manipulated. I’d like to say I’ll never do it again, but that’s a lie.

A few changes to go over before I dive in. First, no more Shout Outs. Quite simply, I’ve run out of ways to humorously compare Augustana football to Pee Wee football. There are only so many bake sale jokes I can churn out, and I passed that milestone about two years ago. So anyone still interested in Augustana football can visit www.crayola.com/cutelittlefootballleague, the official site of CCIW football, brought to you by Crayola (“The Color of Football! ™”). Okay, I guess I had one more joke in me. Also, while I quite enjoy piling on to Notre Dame football, I’m…oh, who am I kidding, I’ll keep doing that. But I’ll also throw out a pithy comment or two in a smaller , cleverly titled Other Stuff section about other stuff I noticed. I’ll also bring back the completely arbitrary rankings, now bonus sized and without regard to reason.

It’s a new era in recapping, and what with all the noise of MORE teams joining the Pac 12, this could turn into a full time job. Which is good, since my full time job could turn into…not a job. But enough of that…as they say, Onward….

I had a lot of people ask me why I didn’t do a preseason, um, precap (is that a word?). Anyway, I did think about it, a lot, but to tell you the truth, after all the godawful news that came out of the offseason, I wasn’t sure I could write anything that bleak. It seemed like every week, there was some story about one school or another talking to the wrong person, recruiting the wrong player, tattooing themselves for the wrong price (in most cases, the price was free), selling something they shouldn’t, or, in the case of Miami, doing just about everything wrong a single college program could do. So while I thought about writing what would amount to a eulogy for college football, I decided instead to skip it and focus on the games instead.

And those games started this weekend. So, here I am.

Let’s just get this out of the way up front, so I can establish some credibility (ha!):  LSU was and is quite a bit better than the Ducks at football. One could argue (or rationalize, depending on your point of view) that bad turnovers and a costly suspension of a key player (someone tell me what kind of world we live in when driving 118 miles per hour at 4 am while high is cause for suspension…I mean, really, if that’s all it takes to get suspended, we’d ALL be suspended) were the reasons they lost, but the truth is, the SEC has bigger players that are just as fast. So the Ducks lose to LSU 40 – 27 and now, according to the press, are a) absolutely out of any national title chase and b) have no hope of any player winning the Heisman. In this world of new Ducks prominence, that’s a big disappointment…three years ago, that’d be less surprising than me typing a run-on sentence. Just sayin’.

As bad as it was to be a Duck fan, imagine what it’d be like to be part of Beaver Nation. Here, I’ll make it easier for you to imagine…you’re six, your parents promised you a trip to Disneyland and a lollipop, but a meteor just crashed into your house, killing your parents, destroying Disneyland forever, and wiping all lollipops off the face of the Earth. Beaver Nation should feel just a bit worse than that.
Being the intrepid Recapper that I am, I searched high and low to find a way to watch the Beaver game (short of going to Corvallis…I may be intrepid, and dedicated, but even I have my limits). I scanned through all 900 of my channels…nothing (although I did get caught up for a bit in some Lifetime movie (by the way, men are creeps)). Then in all honesty, I swear I am not making this up, I watched something called a “Live Chat.” That was a bit south of compelling, but I finally did find a link to a site that was broadcasting the game live. So while I’ll probably end up with quite a few questionable credit card charges, I watched the game on the Series of Tubes. Which, in hindsight, is something I’d pay good money to unsee. It was ugly, as OSU had to COME FROM BEHIND against Division 2, middle-of-the-pack Sacramento State (note: Sacramento is not a state). The Beavs did come from behind, but ultimately, in overtime, lost as the Hornets (that’s the Sacramento State mascot…scary!) converted a two point conversion and won 29-28. Also, OSU benched their starting QB at half-time. Also, they let one of their suspended players play anyway, putting a dent into that “moral high-ground, stone-throwing" attitude that permeates press coverage of the team and some of their more strident fans. Also, next week they face highly-ranked Wisconsin, on the road. So…yeah, could be better.

The whole weekend was a mixed bag for the Pac 12. First, it wouldn’t be college football without a quarterback at UCLA getting hurt, and that’s just what happened. Coach Rick Neuheisel, who apparently has a seat that is quite hot, trotted out starting QB Kevin Prince, who promptly got a concussion. I don’t know about you, but this is feeling REALLY familiar. As was the outcome: UCLA lost to Houston 38-34. Kirk Herbsteit, one of my wife’s MANY "television boyfriends," picked the Ducks to win the National Championship and picked UCLA to win the newly formed Pac 12 South. Seriously, he gets PAID to say stuff like that. What a rip-off.

Also, Colorado got to go to Hawaii. And they got to lose to Hawaii (not the state, the football team) 34-17. Most of you probably don’t know (and if you did know…seriously, get a life) that Colorado hasn’t won a road game since 2007 (!). 2007 was the first year of the iPhone! Back in 2007, George Bush was still president! That’s like, the olden days. Awfully glad we’ll have Colorado to kick around…your Recapper needed to lay off the Cougs this season.

So that’s it for the Pac 12 teams that lost, interestingly, and I type interestingly, because based on most of the national press coverage, the Pac 12 ate crap all weekend.  But, I must admit, a few of the wins come with caveats. For example: USC beat Minnesota, 19-17, but had to have herculean performances by their QB and WR, and only then, barely held on to win. Washington only beat lowly Eastern Washington by 3, 30-27. And WSU pulverized Idaho State, 64-21, but in the process, lost their starting QB to a broken collarbone, a bone that I'm guessing would be useful if one were a quarterback. I mean, I'm no doctor, but seems likely. Anyway, he's out for 6 to 8 weeks. 8 weeks from now, I'll be beginning my hunger strike to prepare for the Thanksgiving Gorge Fest; in other words, a long time from now.

Then there was the parade of Pac 12 teams that beat up lower division teams: Utah beat Montana State 27-10, Arizona State beat UC Davis 48-14, Arizona beat Northern Arizona 41-10, and Stanford beat the holy hell out of San Jose State 57-3.

Finally, Cal beat Fresno State (note: Fresno is not a state, and is barely a city) 36-21. I have no interesting comments to make here.

Other Stuff

Despite the Lord’s best efforts, throwing TWO huge thunderstorms down on South Bend, Notre Dame lost to South Florida 23-20. This marks year 100 in a row that the media has said, “Notre Dame is back! This is their year.” There’s a LOT I could say about Notre Dame, but I’ll hold off, because it’s a LONG season, so I’ll leave it at that.

What’s amazing is that the Notre Dame game wasn’t the only game postponed by Lordly interference. Two other games were actually cancelled because of the storms. They just…stopped. I know that I sat through a truly biblical storm last year at Tennessee, but geez…. I don’t want to get all political, but this climate change thing needs to be fixed if only because it’s mucking up my football.

Arbitrary Pac 12 Power Rankings (AP12PR, for short)

1.        Stanford – sure, smoked a D2 school, but man, did they smoke them
2.        ASU - also beat a D2 school by a lot
3.        Arizona - ditto
4.        Cal - see above
5.        WSU - ditto, but lost a QB, so down a bit
6.         Utah - welcome to the party, pal! (what movie?)
7.        USC - barely beat a "rebuilding" Minnesota
8.         Washington - barely beat a D2 school
9.        Oregon - lost at a "neutral site" to a really good SEC school
10.        UCLA - lost on the road to a Conference USA school with a really good QB
11.        Colorado - hasn't won a road game since a "tea party" was an actual party where tea was served
12.         OSU - pretty much didn't do a single thing right

Ass Handers Award

Goes without saying, but I'll say it. Oregon State, welcome to the first ever Pac 12 Ass Handers Award.

From Scratch

I've been Mr. Mom (Old Guy Reference Alert!) for the week while my wife is up in Seattle either a) working very hard or b) raising her second family.  And as a quick aside, let me just say that single parenthood sucks it. I have an unbelievable level of respect for those parents that are doing it on their own. After three days (going on seems like a month), I'm kind of ready for the missus to come home. And by kind of ready, I mean, PLEASE COME HOME!

And I'm not even really that good at it. I haven't read the official Single Dad Handbook, but I just have a sense of these things. Last night, for dinner, I asked the kids if they wanted a 100 Grand Bar, or a Whatchamacallit Bar. Being wise kids, they went with both, but man, when they were still running around the house full-tilt at midnight, I was really wishing I had been smarter and only let them have one.

Tonight we did a little better. I actually used the oven to make them a pizza (the Costco cheese pizza is a big hit with the ankle biters). And I decided to make myself something, aside from something that had already been made that I just needed to heat up.

So I went with the chicken pot pie (okay, that's not really making something, but I finally didn't use the microwave). Or maybe it was a turkey pot pie. Some kind of poultry. Now I don't know about you, but I can't think of the poultry pot pie without thinking of "The Breakfast Club." So after tossing around a few Judd Nelson lines (Old Guy Reference Alert #2), I tossed a couple of those bad boys in the oven. And then noticed on the box that the crust was "Made From Scratch!"

Which made me wonder two things. First, really? Second, what exactly does "made from scratch" mean?

I went to the internets (official slogan "Now Only 97% Porn!") and found out this: "Its use in cooking means "from ordinary cooking ingredients that have not been pre-mixed or otherwise specially processed." Obviously sugar, flour, baking soda and the like are the result of a long process which is the culmination of the history of agriculture and of chemistry and God-knows-what. But sugar, etc., are "ordinary cooking ingredients.""

So that's interesting. But then I started to think...so the box (one of probably 10s of thousands made that day) says "made from scratch," but clearly by "made" they mean "a machine dropped all the ingredients into a giant vat which was then molested by another machine until the crust was finished." Or rather, that's what is REALLY meant, but what the box wants me to think is that a cute old lady pulled the ingredients out of her pantry and whipped up the dough 'specially for me, using her favorite rolling pin and letting her littlest granddaughter help out.  But I'm old and therefore was not born yesterday and therefore know that the box is full of shit.

Really, why bother? I'm already eating a poultry pot pie...its got enough sodium to make my heart question the wisdom of my decision ("hey, brain, are you SURE?") and ends up tasting only slightly better than absolutely nothing. Knowing that, I'm still going to eat it. So, seriously box, you don't need to convince me that grandma approves.

Anyway, I should probably go...I left the kids in their room practicing starting and putting out fires and there's a 50/50 chance it might not work out that well.

Potpourri for 100, Alex

A few things to get out of my head:

Seriously, that Friday song is THE WORST. Go listen to it and I guarantee you'll wake up with that crappy tune bouncing around in your brain like a super ball. Stephen Colbert did some meta-clever cover of it on the Jimmy Fallon show and while I was smiling because Colbert is funny, I couldn't stop thinking "Why are you listening to this damn song?!?" So awful.

Speaking of awful, the Blazers are getting beat right now at HOME by 20 (!) to Golden State. Golden State...are you kidding me? This is why I hate NBA basketball. Players just don't care enough. Sure, the quality of basketball is better than college (as evident by that atrocious National Championship game..good lord), but they just don't care. Every NBA team takes off, I'm guessing, 10% of their games. Which blows. I don't go to games because I'm cheap and lazy (a winning combo), but if I was in the stands right now, I'm walking down to Paul Allen and asking for my money back (or, rather, walking toward Paul Allen and getting dragged off by security...okay, talking to everyone around me about walking toward Paul Allen but instead going to get $12 popcorn). The Blazers playoffs start now...right now. They need that sixth spot or better to play someone they might beat. Instead, they'll probably slide to seventh and play the Lakers and lose in five games. NBA...it's fannnntastic.

The proliferation of Do Not Attempt is reaching epic proportions. For example...Lexus commercial (I think) where the car is driving around on some zany city with roads that go straight up or upside down or are  impossibly curvy and, yep, you guessed it. Do not attempt. Thanks for that...I'll make sure not to drive my new Lexus upside in some crazy future world. I know some lawyers, and they're delightful people. So I don't blame them. As I said, I blame stupid people, cause you know someone did something crazy like drive their car with the cardboard sunscreen still up in the windshield and crashed into a tree and sued. "How was I supposed to know I should move it before operating the vehicle? There was no warning!"

Also, how you like the one space after periods? I read somewhere that the old double space after period rule was dead, which, I must say, blew me away, not to mention it took me about three months to get used to. And I'm only half used to it as it is.

Last night I watched the first two episodes of "The Killing," a show on AMC. It was great. If you're not watching, you're dumb. It's one of the most beautifully shot shows I've seen a long time. The subject matter is tough, so be warned. It's about a high school girl that gets killed and the case to solve it, and follows it from murder to resolution. Each episode is a day in the investigation. I think the most interesting thing is that, before I had kids, stuff like this show would just wash over me. I'd still think it was great, but it wouldn't have the emotional impact it has now that I have kids. Tough not to at least imagine what it'd be like if something that awful happened to my little girl. So yeah, I gave her a big hug while she slept. That being said, great show. Watch.

Also, you should be watching "Justified" and "Fringe." Because I have awesome taste in everything. Now, time to get out of these plaid pants and hit the sack.

The Dumbification of America

I'm back..and enough about that.

So I want to talk about how dumb we are now. As a country.

Now I'm a firm believer that things are NOT worse than the good old days. Our problem is that we just hear about it faster and in greater volume. There were creeps kidnapping kids 75 years ago, we just hear about every missing kid almost instantly. Or say some random guy kills his wife/girlfriend/lover and suddenly it's on the cover of "People." Guys killed girls back in the day, we just didn't get to see all the pictures on the internet a week later.

But I kind of think we're dumber than we used to be. All you need to do is watch a few hours of television or open a laptop and let the great tidal wave that is the internets wash over you to start to wonder if our fellow man isn't doomed to eat paste.

For example:  as many of you know, I like sports. So I have my television tuned to ESPN more often than not. And a commercial getting a lot of play right now is, um, something about anti-perspirant (not very effective, I guess). Anyway, in the commercial, some guy I should know on some survival show I've been told I should watch is testing the effectiveness of the product by making normal office schlubs wear meat shirts (the Lady Gaga for Men line of clothing, apparently). And then, the survival guy has his buddy release some wolves, that then chase the fleeing men down and catch (and offscreen, devour) two of the men. The last man survives, because, according to the survival guy, sweat is like gravy to wolves (who knew?). And our survivor is not sweaty. So, see, if it works in those conditions, it'll work as you try to pick up that hot drunk woman at the bar. But! But that's not the dumbest part of the commercial (oh, no, it gets dumber). The dumbest part is, at the bottom of the screen, the ubiquitous "Do Not Attempt."

Do Not Attempt!

Cuss word alert:  Are you fucking kidding me?!?

Do not attempt? You need to warn me not to test my deodorant by putting on a shirt made of meat and running from wild wolves? Thank you SO much for the warning because I was totally going to do that. Right after I tested the effectiveness of my mouth-wash by eating a giant pile of dogshit and making out with my wife.

There's two reasons for such a soul-crushing warning:
1. The makers of the hygiene product are so afraid of being sued that they make sure even the dumbest people won't try what they saw on television...or
b. The makers of the hygiene product just know that everyone that sees the commercial is dumb.

And I'm going with b.

The reason is because of the other dumb thing that has made its way into my head:  "Friday."

If you have not experienced this phenomenon, here's a few words:  Don't.

Okay, just one.

This is far and away the most horrible song ever. Satan would play this on his iPod all day long, over and over, in Hell, were it not for the fact that he probably hates it, too.

But the thing of it is, it's everywhere. I discovered it after seeing articles about it in two or three different places. After reading a few articles, I had to hear it for myself and good lord do I wish I hadn't. The song, on Youtube, has something like 70 million page views. 70 million! Of course, 89% of the people hate it, so maybe there's hope, but really, it's our fault something like this exists.

(Let me be clear here...Yes, the girl is only 13 and I really shouldn't be mocking 13 year olds. But her parents shelled out thousands of dollars to buy the song, record it, create a video, and post it online. No one made them do that. No one made the young girl record the song. So since they made the decision to do it, they're fair game.)

(As another aside, there's an old saying that if you put a thousand monkeys in a room with a thousand typewriters, eventually one of those monkeys would type up a Shakespearian play. Well, this song, clearly, was written by one monkey who got trashed on banana schnapps and wrote the song on the wall with his own feces.)

The dumb part, to try to get back to my point, is that people mistake 70 million hits and a picture on the first page of Yahoo as fame. Like they've arrived. Throw your little girl on the You Tubes singing the worst song known to man and she's famous...except she's not. She's just on the internet. I'm on the internet! I'm just some goofy guy who can type and gets mad at stupid stuff. I'm not famous. I'm never going to be famous. Sure, we're talking about this girl, but that doesn't make her anything. It's just that things happen easier now, faster, and that's made us dumber. We mistake now for arriving. It took Elvis years before he became ELVIS. It took the Friday girl 35 seconds to upload musical murder.

There's a point in here someplace, and I think I'll probably pound away at it some more later, but anyway, that's my triumphant return.

Also, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that baseball starts tomorrow. So go White Sox!

Ducks v. Auburn, Championship Recap

Took a few days for me to gather my thoughts on the Big Game.  I went into the game with, in my head, thoughts that the Ducks could win, but in my heart, I couldn't believe that they would.  We're talking about my school here, where I spent four of the most formative years of my life, where I started becoming who I am today.  I watched the football team go from the depths of mediocrity to a chance to win a capital NC National Championship.  And as the game started, I didn't really want it to.  I was nervous as hell, but again, my head had convinced me that they could win, but in my heart...no.  I just wanted them to play well.  The last thing I wanted was to come to work the next day and listen to everyone tell me how badly the Ducks sucked and how they didn't belong there and that they were a fraud.

Naturally, I felt just about every emotion you could feel while watching a four hour football game:  frustration, elation, disappointment, grumpiness, a little bit surly, perhaps a few minutes of terror (not sure why on that one).  And at the end, my heart won out.  They didn't win, because cool things like that don't happen to me, but they were in it the whole game, and that took some of the sting out.  I REALLY wanted them to win, but just as much, I wanted them to show everyone that they were legit.  And they did that.  Which made it easier to take.

Next year, though, they need to win a BCS Bowl game.  Just sayin'.

As for the game itself, I think it's time for the BCS to eat the plate of shit it deserves and go away.  Five weeks between the last game and the bowl game meant that both teams sucked it, hard.  Neither offense was sharp, even though we were promised a shootout, points scored at a furious clip, blah blah blah (in case you're curious, no, none of the "experts" on television know shit).

I would have liked to have seen a game between the two football teams that finished the season, not whatever those two teams were.

So yeah, the quality of play sucked it; I still found it compelling, because I had a rooting interest in one of the teams.  And yeah, the broadcast was brutal...too many damn breaks; the whole game was played out in fits and starts.

So other than the fact that they lost, that the game play wasn't sharp and the broadcast went on and on, it was great!

But honestly, an unbelievable ride, all season long.  I'm glad I get to rest my heart now, though.  I could use a little less stress.

No more football for awhile.  I'll try to come up with more stuff, and I will post some old recaps over the next few months.  So you all come back now, you hear?

Reader's Corner

For those that don't know me, I'm a huge reader (not a great big fat person that likes to read, but a person that likes to read a lot).  Most years, I read about 40 or so books, which isn't gonna get me any rewards (do they give rewards for being a big ol' nerd?), but it's kind of a lot, if I do say so myself, especially with twin 6 year olds, a full time job, a wife, a puppy, and and and....

Anyway, I thought I'd take some time and talk about some book I recently read that I want to recommend.  Why would I do such a thing?  Because it's my blog, and that's what bloggers do...act like narcissists.

First up is "The Unnamed," by Joshua Ferris.  This is a GREAT book.  I read his first one, "Then We Came to the End" which was quite good, but "The Unnamed" is SO good.  In a nutshell, it's about a guy, married, one kid, lawyer, who suddenly, without explanation, begins to walk.  Middle of the night, middle of a meeting, whatever he's doing, his body takes over and he up and starts a walk.  Often he'll walk for miles and miles until his body stops working and he collapses and sleeps, where ever he might be.  

The novel is about this guy, with this affliction, and what it does to his life and his family and it is so profound, so good, that really nothing I can write here will do it justice.  It's funny, touching, frustrating, strongly-written.  It made me appreciate my life and want to work harder at being a better person, because whether it's some fantastical, unnamed affliction, a real-life tragedy, or just the march of time, so much of what is good in life can slide by or disappear completely, without being fully enjoyed.  It's that good and there isn't anyone I wouldn't recommend this book to.  A slam dunk, four star book and one of the very best I've read in a long while.

I'm also a big history fan, most specifically around the Civil War (my son's middle name is Lincoln), and I just finished "Manhunt:  The 12 Day Chase for Lincoln's Killer" by James L. Swanson.  I actually read another book about the same subject a few years ago, but this book was really great.  It read so quickly, despite being close to 400 pages, and the small details that were added made this a very engaging read (for example, one of the actresses in Ford's Theater at the time, rushed to the box seats where Lincoln had been shot and asked if she could cradle the president's head, just so she could get some of the president's blood on her dress...then spent the rest of her life being tormented by people that wanted to see the dress).  That's good stuff, and the book is full of those kind of details.  Also highly recommended.

For fans of mystery novels, I read a few recently that couldn't be more different.  John D. MacDonald, considered one of the grandmasters of the genre, wrote a long series about Travis McGee and I re-read the first one, "The Deep Blue Good-By."  It's pretty dang good, and has a looseness about it, much like the main character, who lives on a big house boat in Florida.  A good book, that makes me want to read more, with a powerful ending.  If you like mystery novels of this ilk and haven't read any Travis McGee books, get on it.

Also read Philip Kerr's "Berlin Noir," which contains the first three Bernie Gunther novels.  These aren't great mysteries (the actual crimes aren't that important, and while I never guessed what was going on, that's only because I didn't try to), but the setting is REALLY interesting.  The first two books take place in pre-WWII Germany, as the Nazis are building up their power, and Gunther's two cases brings him into contact with them.  It's a fascinating look at that era, something that could be learned from non-fiction books, but not nearly as interestingly.  The third book picks up about two years or so after the war ended, as Germany is slowly pulled apart by all the countries that helped push out the Nazis.  And of course, those countries aren't any better than the Nazis were.  All three books are very good, if a little bleak.  I'm not a historical fiction kind of guy, but the setting of this one really sets it apart from other, similar books.

I guess that's enough for you folks now.  I will say that reading is one of those things that everyone should do more of...I've been reading constantly since at least sixth grade, and it's one of those things I couldn't imagine not doing.  Hopefully you feel the same.

 

Return of the Recapper: Bowl Edition (better late than never)

This isn't exactly timely, but figured I'd throw out a few comments on the bowl games involving Pac 10 teams that happened recently.

After the abysmal showing by Arizona, I didn't have high hopes for Washington vs. Nebraska in the Holiday Bowl.  Instead, Washington showed surprising grit, gristle and gumption.  The took it hard to the Huskers, winning a tough contest, 19-7.  And despite all the excitement all year long for Jake "The Snake" (it's contractual that all Jakes must be nicknamed The Snake...I believe it's in the Constitution) Locker, he finished off the year pretty much like he played it...amazingly mediocre.  56 yards passing on five completions, but he did have 83 yards rushing and a touchdown.  So that was cute.  But a really surprising game, when you consider that earlier this year, Nebraska beat the Huskies 56-21.  I would say yeah Pac 10, but that's kind of dumb.  And also, not that excited that Washington might be good again.

As an aside, the Holiday Bowl was presented by Bridgepoint Education, which according to their website specializes in something called postsecondary education.  They have "regionally accredited" universities in beautiful Clinton, Iowa and Colorado Springs, Colorado.  Despite the fact that I did go to an actual college, I'm not sure I know what "regional accreditation" means.  I'm assuming that it means your degree would only be good in Clinton, Iowa...or maybe, if you're lucky, all of Iowa.  However, they appear to be doing quite well, since they get to sponsor a big ol' Bowl Game.  One more quick thing and I'll move on:  according to the website, the two colleges, Ashford University and University of the Rockies, has a total of 77,000 plus students, ground and online.  However, at both colleges, ground-only students number 640...so yeah, fake colleges.

In the Orange Bowl, Stanford (speaking of, you hear the head coach, Jim Harbaugh, might take another job?) got to play ACC champ Virginia Tech.  And they beat the snot out of them, 40-12.  Hard to believe that when I started these recaps, Stanford was unbelievably horrible and the butt of many a joke by yours truly.  Now, cowabunga...damn good.  Of course, if Harbaugh leaves as expected, forcing Luck to the NFL, and graduating a bunch of seniors, it's likely their run won't last.  But still, crikey.  Good.

Might as well go with a shout out, to our old pals the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame.  Playing in the Sun Bowl, of all games, they renewed a rivalry with another formerly great team that is also delusional about their status in the game, Miami (Catholics versus Convicts...woo!).  And Notre Dame looked pretty damn good, stomping the Hurricanes 33-17.  The program seems to be on the upswing, winning their last five games and ensuring that their fans will be utterly ridiculous about their future.  Yay!

Return of the Recapper: Alamo Bowl Edition

The Pac 10 Bowl Season started last night, and by started I mean the game began, they ran plays, then the game ended.  As far as how Arizona did in the Alamo Bowl , the best thing you could say about them is that they did not kill anyone (as far as I know...there were parts of the game I missed).

The Alamo Bowl is the newest bowl in the Pac 10's crown (and yes, I realize that metaphor is very strained).  After the Rose Bowl, the Alamo Bowl is the next big one, supplanting the Holiday as the number two bowl.  But since a certain team from Oregon is going to the National Championship (altogether now:  Woooooooooooooo!), and Stanford is going to the Rose Bowl, third place Arizona got to go to San Antonio.

However, losers of four straight games, and coached by Mike "I'm not high strung, who called me high strung, god dammit, who would SAY THAT?!?!" Stoops, there was little chance 7-5 Arizona would play well against Oklahoma State (10-2 and almost winners of the Big 12).

And...they didn't.  It was kind of a rout, even though the ESPN announcers kept talking about how great Arizona was playing and how they didn't roll over.  Hard-fighters or not, the Wildcats still got smoked 36-10.  It was an inauspicious beginning to a relatively small bowl season for the Pac 10, and things won't get any better tonight with the Holiday Bowl, a rematch of the ass-whupping that Nebraska put on Washington.

One more quick aside.  I saw a fan in the stands holding up a sign that referenced "Pokes Nation."  Pokes, I believe, would be a nickname for the Oklahoma State Cowboys (cow poke being a reference to cowboys that branded cattle and not a reference to what happened to the cows when the cowboys got lonely on the trail).  Anyway, I digress.  My real point here is that this whole "Nation" thing MUST stop.  First, fans of a team are NOT a nation.  In no way are fans of, say, Nebraska's football team, holders of the sovereignty which shapes the fundamental norms governing the functioning of the state.  And Pokes Nation does not have anything meaningful to say about the suffrage of its people (unless you consider "Yee Haw!" meaningful (note:  no one outside of Oklahoma considers "Yee Haw!" meaningful.)).  And Beaver Nation does not include members of a cultural nation who are aware of constituting an ethical-political body together, which is differentiated from others by the members sharing a number of defining cultural features (features which include language, religion, tradition, or shared history).  So, stop it.  Just stop.  The first person to say that Oregon is Ducks Nation will be hit in the head with a blunt object by me.  And the rest of the teams out there that think it's fun to call yourselves a Nation:  no, it's not fun.  It's stupid.  Stop it.

Barfy Holidays to All

So my mom lives in Salem and a few days ago, we loaded up the family truckster with the dog, two kids, pillows, clothes, a few presents, etc. and made the traffic-laden trip south down I-5 (as an aside, why do people suck at driving?  And why are they always in front of me, driving exactly the speed limit in the fast lane?  And why don't they respond to my wailing on my horn and flashing my lights at them?  You'd think they'd take the hint...jerks.).

Things at Nana's were going swimmingly.  Hanging with the family, the kids barely able to keep their hands off the presents under the small fake Christmas tree, even finding a tall boy Bud Light in the back of the fridge.  The family decided to go to a nice little Italian eatery (whose name, based on what is to come, I will not mention here, for fear of ruining their business.  Let's just say it rhymes with Bolive Farden.).  Both of my kids had the delightful Italian delicacy macaroni noodles with a light cheese-based sauce (new household rule:  my kids can NEVER order the same thing for dinner again).

The twins rolled out of bed at 6:00 am the next morning (which was awesome, by the way, because I was not at all tired) excited to open presents.  And then...well, then it was a Barfocalypse.  Apparently the cheese-based sauce from the night before may not have been the freshest.

Full disclosure:  I'm not fond of vomit...coming from me, from others, laying about, plastic versions, vomit coming from humans, from animals, heck, once I found out that flies vomit on food to digest it, I developed a nearly pathological fear of flies landing on me (microscopic vomit!  ack!).

So thumbs down on vomit.  But boy howdy, did my kids yak...a LOT.  Often.  Sometimes at the same time.  And I'm not all the great with multi-tasking, so having one kid barfing in a toilet and another kid barfing in a bucket really stretched my abilities.  And THEN, I started getting calls from work (on my vacation day!  The nerve of other people doing work while I'm on vacation).  So barfing kids, a puppy opening everyone's presents with his teeth, my phone ringing, and a partridge in a pear tree....

Ugh.

We limped home, my boy throwing up in a bucket in the backseat (and then telling us that he was in the lead because he had thrown up more times than his sister) and spent the rest of the evening trying to keep things from flying out of my kids' mouths.

Which proves two things:  kids are gross.  And try not to get too hung up in your plans, since a little bit of barf can derail the whole thing (and a lot of barf can, well, be disgusting).

Happy Holidays everyone.  Please keep the traditional Holiday Barf Buckets close by.

Happy Holidays

I love the holidays (aside from standing in line for Santa...that sucks it hard.  Everyone wants to get a picture with the mall Santa, propping up their squalling little life form on his lap, making faces and squeaking toys all in the hopes that the kid will stop screaming for a second and a half so they can get the perfect Christmas present, and guess what...doesn't work.  Welcome to Baby's First Screamin' Christmas.  Me, I just want my kids to jump up on Santa's lap, tell him what they want, hop down, say thank you and get their candy canes.  45 minutes in line for three minutes...that does NOT fill me with Christmas spirit).

Anyway, I really do love the holidays.  I'm unabashedly fond of every bit about it:  hunting for parking spaces, 103.3 playing 24 hours of Christmas music from Thanksgiving through Christmas, pushing over old people to get to the last awesomest gift in the perfect color, my kids overwhelming excitement growing more and more overwhelming every day, nasty weather, 17 straight days off from work, decorations on the houses, watching meaningless bowl games on tv (and seeing snow on HD...LOVE that).  That's just the start of the list.

I love buying presents and giving presents.  I love being with my family.  I love my friends; for those that don't know me, I'm not especially close with my sister, and both my parents live far enough away that they don't make it out to my house very much, but I have a group of friends that I've known for almost 30 years, and every one of them is like family.  So this holiday season I get to spend time with them, celebrating at our annual Christmas party, hang out on New Year's, and that is easily one of the best parts of the holidays.

Not exactly hilarious, I know, but Christmas makes me happy and a little overly sentimental.  So to all of you that stop by and read, and the 12 kick ass fans I have, I wish you and your family the very best Holiday season.

Pac 10 Recap, Final Week 2010

Excuse this minor indulgence for me, if you would:  Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
(stop to give my right ring finger a rest, and….)
Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Thank you.  I feel much better now.

Onward

There are a few things I never thought I would experience in my lifetime:  visiting my grandkids on Moon Base Alpha 1, skydiving off the Eiffel Tower (mostly because I’m afraid of a) skydiving and b) France), and winning a Best Actor Oscar (because I couldn’t act hurt if someone punched me in the face).  Also on that list was seeing the Oregon Ducks football team play in the National Championship game.  But Saturday, Oregon beat arch-rival Oregon State in the 114th Civil War, 37-20.  It was easily the most stressful game I’ve ever sat through, even though I felt confident going in, even after the Ducks started to pull away in the second half.  But when it was all over, the Ducks and their fans ran on the field and celebrated their chance to complete for the National Championship (it should be noted that the Beavers actually gave permission to the Ducks, their team and their fans to celebrate on the field, an incredibly classy move).  I celebrated at home by jumping up and down, saying woo, getting bit by my dog for jumping up and down, high fiving my kids and a few close friends, and then taking a nap (I'm old!).  A few days later and it still hasn’t really sunk in:  seeing the bottom line scroll by on ESPN with the words Auburn v. Oregon, Jan. 10 National Championship is as mind-blowing as the Pink Floyd laser light show, without the accompanying distinctive smell.  I could go on and on about this, but I'll stop now because there's a line of OSU fans at my cubicle that want to punch me in the face for being overly gloaty.

Also, there were other games.  For example, Washington State, looking to build on the momentum of their 1 Pac 10 win, hoped to beat rival Washington in the Apple Cup.  And they didn’t.  The Huskies got bowl eligible by beating the Cougs, 35-28.  Washington running back Chris Polk ran for 284 (!) yards in an up and down, back and forth game.  And unlike the classy ending to the Civil War, the Apple Cup ended up with the Huskies jumping up and down on the WSU logo and the Coug fans throwing water bottles and snow balls.  So like most everything else, the state of Oregon is better than the state of Washington at finishing rivalry games.  In your face, state of Washington.

Also there was the continuation of the oldest continuous rivalry, the Territorial Cup played by ASU and Arizona.  Arizona, which at one point was looking like a legitimate contender for Pac 10 supremacy, talking about how they could win the title if this happened and that happened, entered this game on a three game losing streak.  Their coach, Mike "Mad Man" Stoops probably spent all day every day yelling at stuff:  cars in front of him for going slow, his cats for walking too loudly while he was trying to nap, the wind for blowing his hair around, air for being so necessary to breathe.  He's a little tightly wound.  And like their coach, the team tightened up as the season went along, culminating in the Wildcats' double overtime loss to ASU 30-29 (Territorial Cup Fever...catch it!).  Two, that's right, two blocked extra points was the difference.  After the second one, Mad Man Stoops ran on to the field, went into convulsions, frothed at the mouth, both eyes popped out, his hair exploded and then he ate the kicker.  Not a pretty sight.

Big cheaters USC wound down their Season of Irrelevance (probably won't be the title of the season's video montage, but if it is, I want money for that, dammit).  USC beat cross-town rival UCLA in the We're too Cool to Name Our Rivalry Cup (WTCTNORC, for short (suddenly I'm a marketing genius!)) 28-14.  Afterward, Coach Lane Kiffin, always the optimist, said "We would have gone to the Holiday Bowl.  That would have been pretty neat."  Yes, it would have been neat.  Maybe they can play a pretend Holiday Bowl (oh, sorry, a pretend Bridgeport Education Holiday Bowl) and the Trojans can win that and have a pretend trophy.  That would also be neat.  Not neat was UCLA's season.  May I be so bold as to say, ugh.  What the hell happened to UCLA?  Once a tradition rich program, they're left with this scintillating quote from their coach, talking about bringing back the glory years:  "I've got to look hard at how we're going to turn the corner.  Those are hard decisions, and that's hard analysis, but it's absolutely mandatory that we come up with positive conclusions that will make those great Bruin fans keep coming back excited."  I don't know about you, but I'm already pumped up for UCLA football next year.

Recapper’s Final Pac 10 Power Rankings 

1.        Oregon – 12-0.  National Championship game.  What a season
2.        Stanford – 11-1.  Orange Bowl bound.  A great team this year
3.        Arizona – 7-5, lost four straight to finish the season, going to the Valero Alamo Bowl
4.        Washington – 6-6, on a bit of a winning streak, going to Bridgeport Education Holiday Bowl (seriously that’s the name)
5.        USC – 8-5, going to no bowls, because they’re big cheaters
6.        ASU – 6-6, but not going to bowl because two of their wins were against D2 schools
7.        OSU – 5-7, no bowl, up and down season
8.        Cal – 5-7, see OSU
9.        UCLA – 4-8, could easily be dead last in the final standings
10.        WSU – 2-10, just didn’t really improve since last year.  Coach possibly on the outs

Ass Handers 

This week, OSU gets the award, only because they lost by more points than anyone else that played in the Pac 10 this week.  

This year's winner of the Ass Handers of the Year Award was a tough call.  I looked at the bottom two teams and did some honest to goodness research.  For example, WSU's average margin of losing in their 10 losses was 39-18.  UCLA's was 37-14.  So kind of even.  Washington State finished 42nd overall in passing, but 117th (out of 120 teams) in rushing, 106th in points for and 110th in points against.  That's not good.  UCLA managed 116th in passing, a robust 34th in rushing, 104th in points for and 85th in points against.  Also not good.  But then, I was thinking, well, WSU was more competitive than they have been in past years.  Until I looked at the scores:  65-17 loss to Oklahoma State, 42-0 to ASU, 50-16 to USC.  Other than the 60-13 loss to Oregon, UCLA didn't have as many bad losses.  So as much as I'd like to give it to someone else, this year's AHotY goes, again, to the WSU Cougars, in a squeaker.

****

Well, that's it for me and the recaps this year.  Hope you liked 'em.  God willing, I'll be back next year with more fun and pith.  Until then, some words to live by:  "So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains.  And we never even know we have the key." So true, The Eagles.  So true.