So the other day I'm working the Tivo, looking for something to watch and I discover Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow (tag line: Kicking buttski. Making you laughski. The Academy is backski!..no, seriously). And as I watched half (okay, all) of it, my thought was...who the hell wanted to see Police Academy 7? Who green lights this? I mean, when Steve Guttenberg won't return your calls, just stop making the movie. No one wants to see a seventh movie in a series, especially a series that kind of sucked to begin with. Some things should just stop.
Why do I bring that up? Because I'm back, baby! Three years in a row; your Friendly Neighborhood Pac 10 Recapper is back. For some of you, I'm sure you just strained a shoulder leaping for the delete button. But for the others (more than half?) I hope that this comes as welcome news. If not, please accept my sincere apologies for subjecting you to another long year of snarky comments and barely hidden homerism. I promise to try to be at least as entertaining as the guy that can make machine gun noises with his mouth.
Now, if only something interesting had happened last week to kick off Week One...oh, wait....
Onward
Let's talk Smurfs. As a kid, I hated that show. Those little blue dwarfy things with their stupid hats and little pants drove me nuts. And how they dropped in the word "smurf" instead of regular words, like "Hey, Grumpy Smurf! Shut your smurf!" or "That Gargamel is a pain in my smurf!" or "Let's grab a semi-automatic smurf and shoot every smurfing one of these little smurfs!" Okay, I had issues. But regardless, seriously, who liked Smurfs? Well, apparently the good folks of Boise, Idaho LOVED Smurfs, because they love to talk about the SmurfTurf, the eye-searing blue turf of their football field. Well, last Thursday, the Oregon Ducks ran out onto the SmurfTurf...and got smurfed. Badly. Hoo boy, was it smurfing ugly. And it wasn't like the Boise State Broncos were fantastic. They turned the ball over three times...hell, they wanted to give the game away. But the Ducks were absolutely inept offensively in every way possible. To call what they did ugly is an insult to everyone rocking the unibrow and buckteeth. It was just...smurfy. Final score BSU 19, Ducks 8. Oh, and some guy for the Ducks hit a guy. Or something. It was hard to find any information on that alleged incident, even on the System of Tubes*.
It went better for the rest of the Pac 10. Ignoring the in-conference opener for Stanford v. WSU, the Pac 10 nearly went undefeated. The only team to lose was Washington, who hosted LSU and, picking up where they left off, played well but ultimately didn't get it done. The Washington Huskies haven't won a game since November of 2007! Back then, I was feathering my hair and sporting the checkerboard slip-on Vans. Anyway, Washington looked spunky or spirited or had gumption (should probably hold on to some of those cliches for later), but ultimately lost to LSU 31-23. But I think the Huskies are going to be better this year and that long long losing streak will come to an end.
On the other hand, the Cougars. Yikes. Still bad, in case you're curious. But possibly not as bad as they were last year. Which I guess is kind of like living next to a dumpster and getting used to the smell. It's still god-awful, it just doesn't make you feel like you're going to throw up all the time. Cougs might want to borrow that for their team slogan this year..."Less Pukey than 2008!" Anyway, they lost to Stanford 39-13. Last year they lost to Stanford 58-0. So, see? Not as pukey.
The Cal Golden Bears crushed Maryland 52-13. Jahvid Best looked like a definite Heisman candidate, but since he plays on the West Coast and doesn't play for USC, he has no chance. But Cal looks good this year and suddenly has the look of the Team that Might Knock Off USC.
The rest of the league played and beat really horrible football teams: San Jose State, Portland State, Central Michigan and Idaho State. Not much to be gleaned from playing a team that just wants a bunch of money to get beaten so they can improve their weight room. I know everyone does it (some of the games this past weekend were just embarrassing) but I just think that playing games against patsies (especially the Pac 10, which has a bad national reputation to begin with) doesn't do anything other than make the parents of the third string players happy. So no more talking about that.
Shout Outs
PSU got beat by OSU. Big surprise.
Notre Dame crushed Nevada 35-0 and has already gotten an invitation to the Fiesta Bowl. Let's be serious about Notre Dame for a moment, if we could. They have sucked for a long time now. The only reason people even talk about them is because they're "Notre Dame." I heard something about how Charlie Weis has the worst four year record of any coach in ND history. I may have made that up. Regardless, he hasn't been good. Now, they're in the Top 25, they beat their first opponent, and crazy old ex-ND coaches are on TV saying they'll go undefeated. There's much blowing out of the chest and strutting about in Fightin' Irish land now. And after they beat a bad Michigan team, ND fans will go from insufferable to...more insufferable. But let's have a few more games pass by before we start throwing them into the National Championship, please? Everyone? Okay? Thanks.
Augustana played Coe and lost 9-7. Bet that was a great game. Seven points? What are you, the Ducks? Coe plays in Cedar Rapids, Iowa and their mascot is the "kohawk." I looked up kohawk on the Googles and apparently it's not a real thing. Coe made up their mascot. Can they do that?
*Not to be disingenuous about the big fight: Blount got what he deserved. I think if you're going to go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, you need to face up to the consequences. Not playing football ever again is a huge blow, but a move the team had to take. I realized how out of hand the coverage had gotten when I was at the gym (I heard they had good milkshakes there (fyi, not true)) and CNBC was doing a segment called "Pop or Drop" and the financial dude was saying that Blount was a "Drop." They were talking about a football fight on CNBC! So yeah, Blount had to go.
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