From Scratch

I've been Mr. Mom (Old Guy Reference Alert!) for the week while my wife is up in Seattle either a) working very hard or b) raising her second family.  And as a quick aside, let me just say that single parenthood sucks it. I have an unbelievable level of respect for those parents that are doing it on their own. After three days (going on seems like a month), I'm kind of ready for the missus to come home. And by kind of ready, I mean, PLEASE COME HOME!

And I'm not even really that good at it. I haven't read the official Single Dad Handbook, but I just have a sense of these things. Last night, for dinner, I asked the kids if they wanted a 100 Grand Bar, or a Whatchamacallit Bar. Being wise kids, they went with both, but man, when they were still running around the house full-tilt at midnight, I was really wishing I had been smarter and only let them have one.

Tonight we did a little better. I actually used the oven to make them a pizza (the Costco cheese pizza is a big hit with the ankle biters). And I decided to make myself something, aside from something that had already been made that I just needed to heat up.

So I went with the chicken pot pie (okay, that's not really making something, but I finally didn't use the microwave). Or maybe it was a turkey pot pie. Some kind of poultry. Now I don't know about you, but I can't think of the poultry pot pie without thinking of "The Breakfast Club." So after tossing around a few Judd Nelson lines (Old Guy Reference Alert #2), I tossed a couple of those bad boys in the oven. And then noticed on the box that the crust was "Made From Scratch!"

Which made me wonder two things. First, really? Second, what exactly does "made from scratch" mean?

I went to the internets (official slogan "Now Only 97% Porn!") and found out this: "Its use in cooking means "from ordinary cooking ingredients that have not been pre-mixed or otherwise specially processed." Obviously sugar, flour, baking soda and the like are the result of a long process which is the culmination of the history of agriculture and of chemistry and God-knows-what. But sugar, etc., are "ordinary cooking ingredients.""

So that's interesting. But then I started to think...so the box (one of probably 10s of thousands made that day) says "made from scratch," but clearly by "made" they mean "a machine dropped all the ingredients into a giant vat which was then molested by another machine until the crust was finished." Or rather, that's what is REALLY meant, but what the box wants me to think is that a cute old lady pulled the ingredients out of her pantry and whipped up the dough 'specially for me, using her favorite rolling pin and letting her littlest granddaughter help out.  But I'm old and therefore was not born yesterday and therefore know that the box is full of shit.

Really, why bother? I'm already eating a poultry pot pie...its got enough sodium to make my heart question the wisdom of my decision ("hey, brain, are you SURE?") and ends up tasting only slightly better than absolutely nothing. Knowing that, I'm still going to eat it. So, seriously box, you don't need to convince me that grandma approves.

Anyway, I should probably go...I left the kids in their room practicing starting and putting out fires and there's a 50/50 chance it might not work out that well.

Potpourri for 100, Alex

A few things to get out of my head:

Seriously, that Friday song is THE WORST. Go listen to it and I guarantee you'll wake up with that crappy tune bouncing around in your brain like a super ball. Stephen Colbert did some meta-clever cover of it on the Jimmy Fallon show and while I was smiling because Colbert is funny, I couldn't stop thinking "Why are you listening to this damn song?!?" So awful.

Speaking of awful, the Blazers are getting beat right now at HOME by 20 (!) to Golden State. Golden State...are you kidding me? This is why I hate NBA basketball. Players just don't care enough. Sure, the quality of basketball is better than college (as evident by that atrocious National Championship game..good lord), but they just don't care. Every NBA team takes off, I'm guessing, 10% of their games. Which blows. I don't go to games because I'm cheap and lazy (a winning combo), but if I was in the stands right now, I'm walking down to Paul Allen and asking for my money back (or, rather, walking toward Paul Allen and getting dragged off by security...okay, talking to everyone around me about walking toward Paul Allen but instead going to get $12 popcorn). The Blazers playoffs start now...right now. They need that sixth spot or better to play someone they might beat. Instead, they'll probably slide to seventh and play the Lakers and lose in five games. NBA...it's fannnntastic.

The proliferation of Do Not Attempt is reaching epic proportions. For example...Lexus commercial (I think) where the car is driving around on some zany city with roads that go straight up or upside down or are  impossibly curvy and, yep, you guessed it. Do not attempt. Thanks for that...I'll make sure not to drive my new Lexus upside in some crazy future world. I know some lawyers, and they're delightful people. So I don't blame them. As I said, I blame stupid people, cause you know someone did something crazy like drive their car with the cardboard sunscreen still up in the windshield and crashed into a tree and sued. "How was I supposed to know I should move it before operating the vehicle? There was no warning!"

Also, how you like the one space after periods? I read somewhere that the old double space after period rule was dead, which, I must say, blew me away, not to mention it took me about three months to get used to. And I'm only half used to it as it is.

Last night I watched the first two episodes of "The Killing," a show on AMC. It was great. If you're not watching, you're dumb. It's one of the most beautifully shot shows I've seen a long time. The subject matter is tough, so be warned. It's about a high school girl that gets killed and the case to solve it, and follows it from murder to resolution. Each episode is a day in the investigation. I think the most interesting thing is that, before I had kids, stuff like this show would just wash over me. I'd still think it was great, but it wouldn't have the emotional impact it has now that I have kids. Tough not to at least imagine what it'd be like if something that awful happened to my little girl. So yeah, I gave her a big hug while she slept. That being said, great show. Watch.

Also, you should be watching "Justified" and "Fringe." Because I have awesome taste in everything. Now, time to get out of these plaid pants and hit the sack.